Yours, Mine, and Ours
I had a rather colorful disagreement this morning with a friend of mine who is soon to be wed. She and her intended have set December 24 as the date to begin their lives in blissful harmony as husband and wife.
To this home of peace and love will be added her two children (of whom she has custody) and his three children (with whom he has visitation regularly). I asked this morning how the kids were adjusting to the idea of having stepparents and stepsiblings–a question which rather offended her. Not because I asked it, but because I used the prefix “step” in the question. She said that there are no stepparents and no stepbrothers/sisters, but rather simply parents and brothers and sisters.
I must admit to being rather perplexed about this suddenly becoming a mom phenomenon. I said that my children just had one dad and one mom, and even though their dad is now married and I will one day be married, this will never change. She said that I was holding my children back emotionally by using this line of thinking, and that they will be better off emotionally if they consider their stepparents actual parents. I said that possibly I could see where her line or reasoning was coming from if any of the parents involved had fled the scene or died, but they all have good relationships with their biological parents.
Since this is my blog and I can have any offensive opinion I care to have, let me spout off:
It takes more than marrying a man to become the mother of the children he has had with another woman. Of course it will take more than a man marrying me to become my children’s father. I can concede that the stepparents will love the children (and vice verse) and that there is the possibility of a good relationship between the kids and their parents’ respective spouses, but I think it’ll take a lot of years before children will view that person as a parent, if ever.
My dad married my mom when I was just shy of two years old. I don’t remember a time that he wasn’t with me. He was a great man and one of the greatest influences in my life. My own father had abandoned my brother and me when I was an infant and the man my mom married adopted us when I was about five years old. I don’t remember that specific day, but I do remember being very young and my mom telling me that I should call him “Dad”. I remember thinking “This isn’t quite right” but not knowing how to express the questions floating through my head. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to call him by his first name, but I knew (though I didn’t really know) that he wasn’t “Dad”. As a result, I wound up calling him “You” until I was about ten or twelve years old. Finally, after him being “Dad” for a very long time, I was able to give him the title. I didn’t feel like he was “mine” until I was in my mid-teens.
Mind you, my dad did not have any other children. He was a wonderful parent-figure for me. He has never hurt me, he was never verbally abusive, and he never did anything to make it seem that he was anything other than my “real” father. My biological father was never in the picture confusing the issue.
To me this is very telling about the psyches of children. They know things without even knowing how they know them. There was no way for me to know that my dad was anyone other than my dad, yet I did know. Now consider this in the context of stepparenting. Would you really encourage a child who has known this person you are about to marry a father? A mother? They may say the words to please you, but rest assured that they will not consider this other person a parent for many many years, if ever. It’s not that your choice in spouse is flawed; it’s just the nature of loyalty to biological parents.
Don’t even get me started on the “brothers and sisters”…
marriage, dating, divorce, step families, loyalty, biological parents, siblings, stepmom, stepdad
October 30th, 2006 at 11:38 am
My kids have one mom and one dad. I think that’s the right way until someone earns the removal of the “step” prefix.
October 31st, 2006 at 10:08 am
November 6th, 2006 at 11:15 am
In my divorce papers it states that the children have one mother and one father and that those terms are exclusive to the biological parents. This was satndard and not something added in do there must be something to it.
I have a friend whose son was on my sons ball team. She mentioned to me that her son we less than a year old when she got divorced and to this day he still hopes that his parents will get back together. She can’t imagine that he even remembers them being together, but it is still one of his big issues.
I would think trying to force it would cause more issues as opposed to removing them.
November 25th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
I agree with you that children only have one mother and one father, but not because it’s my philosophy, just that I’ve learned first-hand that with most kids, that’s the way it is, and as a step-parent you might earn some respect, and you might not. It doesn’t matter what you do or say, it’s just the dynamics of the parent-child relationship, and you can’t change it. Our family situation is different than most other “blended” families (I have to laugh every time I use that phrase). I have 2 daughters, and my husband has 4 daughters. All six of the girls live with us full time, and the “other” biological parent never sees the children. In the case of my girls, their father must be supervised to visit them, and so he just doesn’t bother with contacting them at all. My husband’s ex must stay in our county in order to visit the children, so she doesn’t bother either. It’s been over 6 months since she even talked to them on the phone, and she doesn’t send cards or letters either. So even though they live with us, and don’t have the stressful pulling and pushing of living in two-households with 2 sets of rules like many other stepchildren, I’ve learned that I still will never be “mom”. And no matter that I bear the responsibility of being the mother, and the heartaches that come with loving these girls, I don’t think I will EVER “earn” the loss of the “step” prefix.
October 9th, 2007 at 12:23 am
Oh this was such a welcome blog to read.. I truly feel biology is not the be all and end of parenthood.However I so strongly feel like unless I dead no one else is mom or step mom to my children.. it can be their father’s wife, girl friend or whatever else but I am the mom.. I earn that by giving birth and by being a parent 100% of the time. No one else should force that on child.. it is the child who get so confused by divorce, remarriage and such things. Self centered adults should not rule the day. A marriage does not make a family that takes time and love.. not labels.
I admire that your “Dad” was a true father if not by biology.. but by the greatest form of love for child unconditional love. That was a gift.