Dating with Children

Why I dumped her…
By Dave Singleton

“Things were going great until she…�?: That’s the refrain I heard when I asked guys what happens when they date a woman and then dump her. I’m not saying that women should bear the brunt of all breakups or feel as if they are to blame. My goal here is to illuminate the kind of behavior that most often turns a guy from happily dating toward thinking, “This isn’t going well….�? Hear what they have to say, and see if you can gain a little insight into the male mind that can help you in future relationships.

Miss Overly Dependent. “The first six months we dated, she took care of herself and did everything that she needed to do on her own,�? says Tim, 33, of St. Louis. “Then she started asking me what I thought about everything. I understand some questions, but it was the daily stuff that I never got asked about before that bugged me. She wanted to know what she should pack for trips that we took, even though she’d already researched the weather and knew the itinerary. She asked me whether or not she should watch a television show or catch up on work. She wondered whether she should tell her friend Joanne that she had been hurt by her remarks the other day. On the nights we were apart, she’d call and ask me what I thought she should have. I tried talking to her about it, and encouraged her to be independent, but she wouldn’t listen.�?
Lesson to learn: Most guys aren’t genetically programmed to be as talky as women are. If you want to hash over the minutiae of everyday life, call your mom or your girlfriends. If you need his advice on something a tad weightier than Coke or Pepsi, though—do ask. Guys love to feel as if they are helping resolve problems.

Miss Nag, Nag, Nag. “At first, I could do no wrong,�? says Bill, 32, of Hoboken, NJ. “Then we started hanging out more, and she’d make occasional little comments like, ‘Honey, didn’t I tell you to take out the trash?’ or ‘Sweetie, that’s the third time I’ve asked you if you could change that light bulb… please?’ Her little comments escalated into constant criticisms like, ‘You’re not wearing that light blue shirt again, are you?’ and ‘Why do you have to see your friends every week?’ I tried to ignore it for a while but when that didn’t work, I straight-up asked her to curb the nagging, but she kept at it. In my opinion, she was trying to exert control, but she didn’t see that. I was working hard at my job and at our relationship. But her control games didn’t work on me. I finally told her the relationship made me depressed, and I didn’t feel close to her anymore.�?
Lesson to learn: Understand that too many requests won’t get results…they’ll just get annoying. Choose your issues wisely, and then approach them in a constructive way. Sit down and use “I�? language—“I feel lonely when you spend so much time with your friends,�? or “I feel as if we’re not a team when I make dinner but you don’t help clean up.�?

Miss “I Do,�? But Too Soon. “Here’s the thing. I really enjoyed my relationship with Sharon,�? says Mark, 36, of Ocala, Florida. “But she pushed marriage on me all the time and kept reminding me that she was 36 and needed to make decisions about her future and kids, which I respected. Yes, I want to be married one day, too. But her pushing constantly made me pull away. It got to the point where the only thing she seemed passionate about was getting engaged. Finally, after just six months, she gave me an ultimatum to get engaged. I don’t take ultimatums well and didn’t want to be pushed down the aisle. So that was that.�?
Lesson to learn: There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married… or making that fact very clear to the guy you’re dating. However, you can’t push a man into marriage before he’s ready. Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to wait and see if he’ll step up. But if you can’t give him the time he needs — or if he’s sending you signals that he doesn’t feel as strongly as you do — it may be time to cut your losses. Pursue your goals, but know that if he isn’t the guy for you, no amount of hinting, pushing or pleading is going to change that.

Miss Lack of Affection. “We were so hot for each other at first,�? recalls Tony, 28, of Brooklyn, NY. “But her interest dropped off and she wouldn’t talk about it. I got the message that my girl really doesn’t enjoy sex with me. I was very attracted to her, but the excitement went away after a few months of dating. She seemed perfectly content with our relationship. But I was bothered by the fact that she didn’t seem to miss affection and intimacy. Kisses were perfunctory, and sex basically stopped. I want a woman who wants me in every way. The relationship needed to end.�?
Lesson learned: If there’s a reason he’s not pleasing you in bed — or there’s another issue that has you avoiding intimacy with your guy — talk to him about it, but outside the bedroom. Let him know that you want to get over whatever hurdle there is, and enjoy the intimacy again. On the other hand, if you don’t desire sex as often as he does, seeing a counselor can help you two better manage your mismatched sex drives instead of throwing in the towel.

Miss “Don’t Make Me Over.�? “I needed to feel understood and loved for who I am, but that was not happening,�? says Jim, 29, of Austin, TX. “I think my girlfriend Jenny was more interested in finding the perfect man or maybe just an easy-to-mold man. But she wasn’t interested in getting to know me. She would always tell me that I had great potential, and that I should go to law school when I had dropped out for a good reason: I hated it! She wanted me to be more social, like all the things she liked, and be more ambitious. Who was she to say that to me? When I woke up one morning and realized that I felt terrible about myself, I knew I had to break up with her. I want someone who likes me for me, as I am now. Genuine concern and support are great. But all I got from her was conditional love, and I needed more. If there’s one thing I wish women would remember when dating, it’s this: Don’t try to make me over. I like me pretty much the way I am.�?
Lesson to learn: Sure, you want to help him be his best… with an emphasis on the word “his.�? Let him be who he’s gotta be. Try to take an interest in his interests and hobbies and draw out what excites him in life. Share in what makes him special, and see if you can appreciate it, even if it doesn’t suit your concept of what your dream guy would be. And if it isn’t enough for you, well, sadly—he’s not the right guy, and it’s on to the next.

Dave Singleton’s books, The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating and Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight), are available now.