Telling the Kids About a Breakup
I dated my son’s bio Dad on and off for over five years. During that time, he met my daughter a handful of times. I never introduced him as my boyfriend or partner. He was always just “Mommy’s friend”. I never felt the need to tell her more than that, and because she never asked, I left it.
Little did I know that during the few times we all hung out, he made her a couple of promises. Things like, “I promise to take good care of your Mom,” and “I will do everything I can to make sure your Mom sees you as often as possible, but you have to be strong and not cry when we have to leave, ok?”
Things I wish I’d known more about then, but hindsight is 20/20.
So because I’d never really told my daughter that we were together, telling her we’d broken up was something I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of, either. It was when I finally had the chance to sit down with her and talk about what had happened that I learned about the promises made. “How could he leave you pregnant, Mom? He said he loved you and would take care of you…”
It was heartbreaking. I didn’t have a lot of answers.
What I do know is this: if I ever have to tell either of my children about a breakup again, I’ll make sure to prepare myself more for the questions. I’m sure eventually my son will want to know why Mommy and Daddy aren’t together, and I’m still formulating a kid-appropriate story that doesn’t leave me in tears. Luckily I have some time. 
I’ll also spend more time providing my children with processes with which to grieve. Ways they too can say goodbye, especially if they weren’t given the chance to properly. Because even though the relationship that ended was with me - it affects them too. And I have to wonder who it hurts more. Me or them?
Have you ever told your kids about a breakup? What did you say? How did it go?
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I have just been told today after a 2 year live-in relationship and engagement that he doesn’t want the life we have anymore. My daughter is 3 and my heart is breaking for both of us that he would do this. I know she won’t understand so I have told her that he misses his mommy and wants to go and stay with her because he is sad. She asked one or two “why” questions and then seemed to accept my answer. It is such a tough thing to explain, especially if you don’t fully understand it yourself.
It is a harder relationship for people who don’t have kids of their own due to the added responsibility. I think single parents are more at risk of relationships not working out because of this, I will be very careful the next time.
It is so tough on kids, and people today just don’t have the same sense of commitment anymore.