Dating with Children

Cricket LaVigne is a 29-year-old single mom of two kids, ages 5 and 8. One night, when the kids were staying with grandma and grandpa, Cricket and a group of friends hit the local ale house. Wouldn’t you know they stumbled into a party for hockey fans?

So she spots a guy who doesn’t have the facial bruises, the crooked schnoz, the bad haircut known as the “hockey mullet.” They have a seat and talk for hours.

“We totally hit it off,” she says.

And yet, when the night closed, they parted. End of story.

He found out she has kids and was off like a goalie mask in a Stanley Cup brawl.

What a hockey puck, right?

“It happens,” says Cricket. “It’s a reality.”

She’s one of 19 million single parents nationwide, and she understands why some singles run from the family scene. Many young singles aren’t ready for rugrats. And older singles with grown children often aren’t looking to start over with child-rearing.

Cricket can handle the hang-ups, as long as dates let her know how they feel up front. Otherwise, they’re wasting her hard-earned free time.

Single mom Leisa Bishop (who says she just turned 27 for the 14th time) watches for winces when she mentions the mommy moniker on dates. Like Cricket, she believes her time is too precious to waste.

“To me, if I decide to date, I’m taking away something from my kids,” she says. Before she goes out, she has arranged for the kids to stay at an aunt’s house and has packed their clothes, cooked their dinner, and squeezed in a little quality time, just in case she doesn’t get home before bedtime.

Sounds like a lot to go through just to take a chance on a group that’s typically not keen on the Romper Room scene. Nevertheless, licensed clinical social worker Diane Hamilton says getting out is an absolute necessity for single parents.

“They really need adult time,” says Hamilton, who has run a single parenting support group for about 10 years. “Spending time with big people keeps them from depending on their children for companionship.”

That goes for single dads, too, who represent a growing portion of Hamilton’s group. Nationally, single fathers who head households have increased in number by more than 200 percent since 1970, according to 1997 U.S. Census Bureau statistics.

A friend who’s a single dad echoed the comments of single moms who say the dating pool for people with children seems more like a puddle.

Some of the never-been-married types, for example, can’t handle the fact that the kids are the first priority, my friend says. Or they feel too eager to slide into the roll of a full-functioning parent, with their own ideas for discipline.

“Those are the ones that scare the hell out of me,” he says.

And finding other single parents with time in their schedules is about as common as finding lightning-strike victims with winning lottery tickets.

And I thought it was tough out there without kids.

Single parents handle their own needs, plus the damands of children, and then take their chances in the singles scene. Dates should be flattered to earn the rare free time of single parents. But the moms and dads I talked to weren’t interested in force-feeding anyone the family scene.

They’re looking for a little honesty and a dash of sensitivity now and then. Oh, and a hint for those of you dating single parents: Help pay for the baby sitter — you’re the reason mom or dad is away.

By Tyler Gray
Special from The Orlando Sentinel
Copyright ©1999 Bergen Record Corp.