Single Moms Settling
I just read an article in the UK Times Online that infuriated me - and thus, I’m blogging about it. Settle For Less in Love, says single-mom-by-choice Laurie Gottlieb. Because in her eyes, all 30-something unmarried women are either panicked about being single or “in denial or lying”.
Gottlieb’s take is that men have more lovely ladies to choose from while in their 30’s, yet the women in the same age category have slim pickings. Thus, why not consider the “older, overweight and bald category,” because (in her worldview) all men end up being all three eventually anyway.
I’m not sure who Gottlieb is doing more of a disserve to: the 30-something women that she’s lumping into one awfully desperate sounding category, or the supposed lucky men she speaks of. I mean, although I would love a partner-in-crime, I have some very basic criteria that need to be met before I can accept someone into my life: intelligent, passionate, honest to a fault, within 5-10 yrs of my age, and someone with whom I have undeniable chemistry. Tick all the boxes and I’d be a very happy camper. But if I end up single for the rest of my life because I refuse to let go of this list, I’m not going to be unhappy either. I don’t mind being single, and I don’t think being single (or a single mom) reflects negatively on my desirability as a mate.
The problem with Gottlieb’s observations is that she’s only accounted for the sub-group of single moms who are extremely picky about who they date. I definitely don’t fall into this category, as I’ve accepted dates from a large, motley group of men over the years. As long as they were relatively close in age and weren’t a hazard to my health, I’d accept. Now they may not have gotten a second or a third date with that strategy, but I’d decided long ago that only dating my “type” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, especially myself. And when I became a single mom, that philosophy didn’t change.
As well, I didn’t choose to be a single mom with my son. Mine was a planned pregnancy, even though my former partner of five years bolted within hours of finding out I was pregnant. I was even willing to try and work things out (even though he left me), because I felt strongly that a child needs a community within which to grow, and part of that is his/her biological family. Alas, he’s never been willing to even listen to a discussion on the matter.
So, I’m a single mom. And quite frankly, I love it, and feel no need whatsoever to “settle”. In fact, I’ve had several marriage proposals since finding out I’d be bringing a child into this world on my own - some from very decent, lovely men - but because one of the must-have criteria were missing, I had to say no. Call me an optimistic, romantic and selfish fool if you like, but I can’t see myself settling for anyone.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:02 am
There is no reason to settle and I find the message that you must get a man at all costs offensive.
There are plenty of men out there and although I have been married for thirteen years, I find it hard to believe all of sudden there’s “slim pickings”.
I also think that romance and passion can continue in a marriage. Maybe not the crazy butterflies in your stomach type of infatuation but settling for someone you have no chemistry with makes no sense to me.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Sandra,
See, I agree with you completely! Offensive is the perfect choice of word.
I think the “slim pickings” are more creations in our minds than what is actually reality-based. Sure, I’m struggling to meet someone new, but that doesn’t mean that eligible bachelors aren’t out there. It just means I’m not meeting them.
I’m glad someone from the married camp chimed in.
Bonny
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I have to agree with both opinions in a sense. I’m a 34yr old single mother of three. I’m finacially stable,attractive and intellegent but have not been on a date in twelve years. I use to hide behind being such an involved parent but truely it’s the standards that I have set. Though they are basic and realistic standards, lateley I realize that compramized is probable not settling. I chose not to date in my twenties because I put my kids needs first. Now they are ten,twelve,sixteen and I’m lonely. It is true there are eligilbe bachelors out there. But, it is difficult finding a date as a single mother. I work in different environments for long and short periods of time. When I wasn’t interested in dating I was approaced by men of different races and cultures and age groups. Sure the men are out there but once learned you are a single mom things change. Now that I am interested and modified my standards I still find it hard for a man to get to know me as an individual person that happens to have three lovely children. I don’t want one that thinks dating a single mom is settling.