Dating with Children

I’ve noticed a lot of readers are looking for ideas on how to introduce your kids to a new partner. Since I don’t have any first-hand knowledge of this topic, I thought I’d get a guest post instead. This is from Cheryl Ashbrook.

If you are dating as a single parent then you will want to introduce your kids to your new partner once the time is right and you will obviously want the meeting to go well. If everybody has a good time, they will all leave with a positive first impression of each other which can only make life simpler for you. Neutral ground always makes for an easier introduction than at home, where the kids may feel a little territorial. More difficult still would be meeting at your partners home, particularly if they are not use to having kids around.

So where do you go? What kind of venue takes the pressure off all of you and has the best chances of all going well?

The obvious answer is to choose something the kids enjoy. Your partner should be prepared to fit in with your children and a kids trip out will be a subtle way of reinforcing that to your children and help them feel they are important. If you put your kids in an environment where they are bored, uncomfortable or overly constrained, they will subconsciously associate that feeling with your partner being around and may resent them. So do not choose anything formal like a lunch or dinner where conversation may be forced and the atmosphere a little tense.

You will need to choose an activity or venue that is pitched at the right age and interests for your family to ensure that the meeting is a success. If you have small children then choose places like the zoo, park or perhaps an adventure park that has rides designed for smaller children. This will enable your new partner to interact with your children whilst they are having fun and not entirely focused on them and will probably make the first meeting go more smoothly.

There are many more options if your children are slightly older, but the emphasis should still be on having fun and distractions rather than focusing the attention on getting to know your new partner as there will be plenty of time for that in the future. A trip to the cinema or a sporting event provides an ideal opportunity for you all to share an experience without any pressure to make conversation initially. And if you do decide to have a meal afterwards then you will all have something in common to talk about!

By putting your kids interests first and having your partner go along with them, you stand the best chance of a the first meeting being a success. However, there is always the possibility of a tantrum or bad behaviour. So try not to expect too much of your kids and do not be any harder on them than normal because you are too anxious for things to go well. Your kids are no more perfect than anyone else and are virtually guaranteed to play up if you are tense and set the expectations on behaviour too high. Let them be themselves and remember to relax and have fun with them yourself too. Then your partner will get the chance to see how you operate as a family and where and how they can fit in and make things work in the long term.

Cheryl Ashbrook is an author for the online dating tips website http://www.MaxMyProfile.co.uk which provides online dating advice and services for men and women.

I dated my son’s bio Dad on and off for over five years. During that time, he met my daughter a handful of times. I never introduced him as my boyfriend or partner. He was always just “Mommy’s friend”. I never felt the need to tell her more than that, and because she never asked, I left it.

Little did I know that during the few times we all hung out, he made her a couple of promises. Things like, “I promise to take good care of your Mom,” and “I will do everything I can to make sure your Mom sees you as often as possible, but you have to be strong and not cry when we have to leave, ok?”

Things I wish I’d known more about then, but hindsight is 20/20.

So because I’d never really told my daughter that we were together, telling her we’d broken up was something I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of, either. It was when I finally had the chance to sit down with her and talk about what had happened that I learned about the promises made. “How could he leave you pregnant, Mom? He said he loved you and would take care of you…”

It was heartbreaking. I didn’t have a lot of answers.

What I do know is this: if I ever have to tell either of my children about a breakup again, I’ll make sure to prepare myself more for the questions. I’m sure eventually my son will want to know why Mommy and Daddy aren’t together, and I’m still formulating a kid-appropriate story that doesn’t leave me in tears. Luckily I have some time.

I’ll also spend more time providing my children with processes with which to grieve. Ways they too can say goodbye, especially if they weren’t given the chance to properly. Because even though the relationship that ended was with me - it affects them too. And I have to wonder who it hurts more. Me or them?

Have you ever told your kids about a breakup? What did you say? How did it go?