Dating with Children

By Alex Hansen

People are always talking about the plight of single mothers raising kids, but single fathers have it every bit as tough, if not tougher. As a single father, I have to the same financial responsibility as a single mother would have. I have to raise my kids single-handedly, unable to depend on a second income that I took for granted when I first got married. Few people realize how hard it is to run a single parent household. Sometimes, it can be hellish. I have three children, and each of them have different after school activities. Aside from working a full-time job, I have to ferry them around, share carpool duties, and host friends on the weekends.

My introduction to single fatherhood was actually a trial by fire. It is an experience common to many single fathers. I used to think that fathers rights were a bunch of hokum. I did not really believe that fathers were discriminated against in the court system like many people say they are. I found out the hard way that it is tough for single fathers. In our culture, people always believe that the woman is the victim in a divorce. For a single father to get custody of the children is where. Even knowing my wife was certifiably insane, I still almost lost visitation rights. Fathers rights is not something to be taken lightly. You may not realize it until it is too late, but it is crucial to get the representation you need in a divorce.

The only thing that can make things easier for single fathers or for single parents in general is to have a good support group. A single parent network is almost indispensable if you’re just learning the ropes of running a household by yourself. There are so many stresses to raising kids without a partner, and it can be helpful to have older and wiser members of your community who can tell you how it is done. Don’t be too shy to ask for help it is there if you need it.

Of course, although being a single dad has been hard, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love raising my kids so much that it is worth all the hardship and turmoil. I only wish that things had worked out better between my wife and I. Kids deserve two parents, after all, even if those parents have disagreements from time to time.

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In the past I’ve dated people who weren’t fond of children. Several never even knew I had a daughter. But my intention wasn’t to hide someone important in my life from them, but rather to avoid the negative stereotypes that come along with being a single parent. You don’t get very far as a single mom before finding out that many single childless men won’t date a woman with kids, period. So I removed this non-negotiable, and just dated.

When things got a bit serious several years ago with a man who adamantly refused to have children or even discuss them, I let the cat out of the bag. “I have a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent daughter who lives with her Dad. I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like, but she’s a very important part of my world. I thought you should know.”

Surprisingly, the gent wasn’t even phased. He’d already mentioned on several occasions that I seemed to be the Gaia-type: an earthy woman who felt it her responsibility to take those in need under her wing and assist in any way she could. I didn’t disagree. I was the same way even before I had children.

So when the gent asked me if he could meet my daughter, I was floored. “I thought you hated kids? I thought you never wanted kids?” My radar was up, and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted this guy to meet my daughter. I mean, if he really does hate kids, I’m not putting my daughter through that ordeal!

There’s a new reality TV show (maybe) coming to FOX that has many a single parent in an uproar - and for good reason. According to Reuters, “The network has ordered a pilot in which an avenger of penniless single mothers hunts down deadbeat dads and forces them to pay child support.”

Ok. I know there are a lot of men out there who aren’t paying child support. For every down-and-out mom with a tale of woe there are ten others with even worse stories, I’m sure. I’m definitely one of the lucky single moms in this respect; my son’s father - although absent from his life - pays child support like clockwork.

But do we really need a show where unassuming men are, literally (again, from Reuters), “ambushed”, but for a “noble cause”? Do the children of these men need to see their fathers being shamed, humiliated and who knows what else on national television? And what on earth will happen in the schoolyard? It reminds me of a political cartoon that has two kids yelling at each other. The caption read something like, “My Dad is more absent than YOUR Dad!”

I understand the intentions are good. Single mothers (and dads) need financial support to raise their children, and one-parent families who have been abandoned by one parent are becoming an epidemic. But if it takes a community to raise a child, do we really need our communities to air the dirty laundry so publicly? I think not.