Dating with Children

Baby Mama Drama. It’s a new term that I haven’t heard a lot, but it rings true for me on a lot of levels. If someone told me the guy I was seeing had baby mama drama, I’d probably ask questions first, and then run. Fast. Because the last thing I want to have to deal with is the unresolved business with someone else’s ex.

If I think about it objectively, I could easily be considered baby mama drama for my ex, and I have to wonder why and how he was able to move on as quickly as he did. Not because he found a new girlfriend in record time, but because there was another woman out there willing to put up with my baby mama drama. As in: she chose to move herself and her son in with my son’s father around the same time I was giving birth. I didn’t even know this woman existed until days before I went into labor, so let’s just say baby mama drama is an understatement for how I reacted.

But where does dating someone who has baggage become acceptable? (Because, let’s face it: we’ve ALL got baggage). What scenarios make someone acceptable date material?

I’m learning what does, and what doesn’t work for me as I come across it. Would I date someone whose ex was pregnant with their child? Never in a million years. Someone who had a restraining order against the other biological parent? Depends, but probably not. How about someone who is separated and is still maneuvering the divorce and custody proceedings? Nope.

But all of those are scenarios I’d already come up with solutions (for me) even before I had children. But now, as I get older, I have to wonder just how effective these self-imposed screening mechanisms are.

Why? Because few people have good, healthy relationships with their ex’s. They are an ex for a reason, usually. But I’ve seen it done - live it in fact with my daughter’s Dad. We are the best of friends, chat almost every day online, and ask each other for advice regularly. We co-parent even though they live a 12hr drive away, and all major decisions about my daughter are discussed between us, first. And honestly? It hasn’t been that hard, although I frequently hear from other parents (including my son’s grandmother) that I can’t expect the majority of single parents be so lucky.

So maybe my expectations are skewed. Or maybe I’m just learning now that baby mama drama frequently comes with the territory of being a single parent. Or maybe, just maybe, if I want to date, I’ve got to loosen up a bit.

What do you think?

Note for clarification: I have two children, separated by ten years, by different fathers. My daughter’s Dad and I are friends and have an excellent co-parenting relationship. My son’s Father has no interest in being a parent to his son, even though ours was a planned pregnancy. The negatives I’m complaining about in this post are about my son’s Father; any comments about being in regular contact are regarding my daughter’s Dad.

Would you believe - Lance Armstrong?

According to Stuff New Zealand, Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been dating a couple of weeks now. They were introduced by Hudson’s former boyfriend, Owen Wilson. Armstrong was most recently dating and engaged to singer Sheryl Crow, but they broke off their engagement in 2007 after a three-year long relationship.

Hudson has been a single mom since the breakup with ex-husband Christopher Robinson, and has custody of their four-year-old son, Ryder. Hudson was also raised (in part) in a single parent family: parents Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson separated when Kate was eighteen months old, although Hawn later partnered with actor Kurt Russell, who raised Kate as his own.

Even more interesting is that even though the two haven’t been dating long, Hudson and Armstrong have already had public dates with the kids present. Whatever happened to waiting until things were serious to have the kids meet? Hm. Maybe there are different single parent dating rules for celebrities.

Of the few emails I receive, this is a often-asked question even amongst the few. And from the questions I’ve deduced that (a) there are still major stereotypes surrounding dating a single parent, (b) a lot of childless singles fear dating single parents but are willing to try, and (c) there are few places on the internet that list a set of hard and fast rules for dating a single parent. Why? I’m not sure, but someone’s got to start the trend.

These are, what I believe, are firm rules for dating a single parent. Did I miss something? Disagree with my choices? Feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think.

Spontaneity, although admirable and fun, is almost impossible for a single parent, unless they have a structured, regular visitation schedule with the other parent. Even then they’ll probably want a cell phone on and close by at all times. If your date cannot see you on 30-minute notice, this is probably why and it has nothing to do with you. Try to accept this early on, or by doing things that seem spontaneous, but are planned as a surprise instead. (i.e. I’m taking you out tonight, dress casual, bring your phone, but the rest is a secret!)
Accept that the single parent you are dating may prioritize time alone before their dates with you. Again, this isn’t a reflection on you, but rather their need for private space once in a while.
Focus on the frugal where possible. Yes, not all single parents are struggling financially, but many are. I know for me personally, an evening out that costs more than my rent isn’t something I find appealing (which yes, has happened on more than one occasion). Showing your date that you are well-off and financially secure is one thing, but if you spend too much money on a date, many a single parent will be silently wishing the money was being used for something a bit less frivolous.
If you are dating a single parent who doesn’t want you to meet their kids, don’t take it personally. Every relationship moves at its own pace, and most single parents are very protective of their kids. Being a positive role model is something most single parents need to know you are before the introductions occur, and that can take a while in any dating relationship. Alternatively, if the single parent wants you to meet their child(ren) early on and you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t hesitate in saying so. Kids are intuitively smart, and they’ll pick up on your unease. Discuss with your date before meeting the kids what is expected and what needs to happen. Don’t assume anything.
If or when you do meet the kids, use the single parent as a guideline for what is and isn’t ok. Don’t discipline the child(ren), and let the single parent decide what forms of affection are acceptable when the kids are around (such as hand holding or kissing). If there is a problem with a child of the single parent you are dating, talk to your date about the issue when the kids aren’t around.