Dating with Children

Of the few emails I receive, this is a often-asked question even amongst the few. And from the questions I’ve deduced that (a) there are still major stereotypes surrounding dating a single parent, (b) a lot of childless singles fear dating single parents but are willing to try, and (c) there are few places on the internet that list a set of hard and fast rules for dating a single parent. Why? I’m not sure, but someone’s got to start the trend.

These are, what I believe, are firm rules for dating a single parent. Did I miss something? Disagree with my choices? Feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think.

Spontaneity, although admirable and fun, is almost impossible for a single parent, unless they have a structured, regular visitation schedule with the other parent. Even then they’ll probably want a cell phone on and close by at all times. If your date cannot see you on 30-minute notice, this is probably why and it has nothing to do with you. Try to accept this early on, or by doing things that seem spontaneous, but are planned as a surprise instead. (i.e. I’m taking you out tonight, dress casual, bring your phone, but the rest is a secret!)
Accept that the single parent you are dating may prioritize time alone before their dates with you. Again, this isn’t a reflection on you, but rather their need for private space once in a while.
Focus on the frugal where possible. Yes, not all single parents are struggling financially, but many are. I know for me personally, an evening out that costs more than my rent isn’t something I find appealing (which yes, has happened on more than one occasion). Showing your date that you are well-off and financially secure is one thing, but if you spend too much money on a date, many a single parent will be silently wishing the money was being used for something a bit less frivolous.
If you are dating a single parent who doesn’t want you to meet their kids, don’t take it personally. Every relationship moves at its own pace, and most single parents are very protective of their kids. Being a positive role model is something most single parents need to know you are before the introductions occur, and that can take a while in any dating relationship. Alternatively, if the single parent wants you to meet their child(ren) early on and you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t hesitate in saying so. Kids are intuitively smart, and they’ll pick up on your unease. Discuss with your date before meeting the kids what is expected and what needs to happen. Don’t assume anything.
If or when you do meet the kids, use the single parent as a guideline for what is and isn’t ok. Don’t discipline the child(ren), and let the single parent decide what forms of affection are acceptable when the kids are around (such as hand holding or kissing). If there is a problem with a child of the single parent you are dating, talk to your date about the issue when the kids aren’t around.

I just read an article in the UK Times Online that infuriated me - and thus, I’m blogging about it. Settle For Less in Love, says single-mom-by-choice Laurie Gottlieb. Because in her eyes, all 30-something unmarried women are either panicked about being single or “in denial or lying”.

Gottlieb’s take is that men have more lovely ladies to choose from while in their 30’s, yet the women in the same age category have slim pickings. Thus, why not consider the “older, overweight and bald category,” because (in her worldview) all men end up being all three eventually anyway.

I’m not sure who Gottlieb is doing more of a disserve to: the 30-something women that she’s lumping into one awfully desperate sounding category, or the supposed lucky men she speaks of. I mean, although I would love a partner-in-crime, I have some very basic criteria that need to be met before I can accept someone into my life: intelligent, passionate, honest to a fault, within 5-10 yrs of my age, and someone with whom I have undeniable chemistry. Tick all the boxes and I’d be a very happy camper. But if I end up single for the rest of my life because I refuse to let go of this list, I’m not going to be unhappy either. I don’t mind being single, and I don’t think being single (or a single mom) reflects negatively on my desirability as a mate.

The problem with Gottlieb’s observations is that she’s only accounted for the sub-group of single moms who are extremely picky about who they date. I definitely don’t fall into this category, as I’ve accepted dates from a large, motley group of men over the years. As long as they were relatively close in age and weren’t a hazard to my health, I’d accept. Now they may not have gotten a second or a third date with that strategy, but I’d decided long ago that only dating my “type” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, especially myself. And when I became a single mom, that philosophy didn’t change.

As well, I didn’t choose to be a single mom with my son. Mine was a planned pregnancy, even though my former partner of five years bolted within hours of finding out I was pregnant. I was even willing to try and work things out (even though he left me), because I felt strongly that a child needs a community within which to grow, and part of that is his/her biological family. Alas, he’s never been willing to even listen to a discussion on the matter.

So, I’m a single mom. And quite frankly, I love it, and feel no need whatsoever to “settle”. In fact, I’ve had several marriage proposals since finding out I’d be bringing a child into this world on my own - some from very decent, lovely men - but because one of the must-have criteria were missing, I had to say no. Call me an optimistic, romantic and selfish fool if you like, but I can’t see myself settling for anyone.

_{Photo Credit: Sanja Gjenero, stock.xchng}

It’s an interesting question, and one that I get asked often. “Bonny, you’re such a beautiful woman. Why are you still single?” asked one of my exes. Another, “You’ve got everything. Everything! Except a man. Why are you still single?”

A part of me is frustrated by the question. Why am I still single? Well, duh. Because I haven’t met someone that has rocked my world. Yet. Lately. As well, it implies that somehow I am less a woman by the sheer experience of not having a partner. Which isn’t something that I feel is lacking in my life. Ok, I would love to date someone that takes my breath away. Of course! But I’m not going to desperately cling on to anyone who smiles my way either just so that people stop asking me why I’m still single.

Are there reasons beyond the obvious? OF course. Aren’t there always? I’m still working through the drama and hurt from my last relationship with my son’s father. I feel strongly that until I can speak of the situation without negative emotion, I’m not fit for a serious relationship. I find myself not trusting strangers because of the experience, and it comes across as being closed off and unavailable. I’m also struggling to meet new people, and without new people in my life, there will be no special someone. Ok, there may be a very slight chance that my next relationship blossoms with someone I already know. Still, I’m new in town and my closest (only?) friend here is someone that has stated both in action and deed that dating each other isn’t in the cards.

Am I making excuses as to why I’m still single? Probably. I could be dating if I really put my mind to it. If I got a sitter and went to the pub, maybe. But getting a sitter for my four-month-old so I can go drink seems alien to me.

And therein lies the rub: for every opportunity, I have a reason why I can’t. I won’t. I don’t feel comfy. Excuses, really. I give people dating advice every day, and I am the most frustrated with the people stuck in the same rut I’m in now - refusing to do anything to change their situation, yet complaining that everything always stays the same.

So I guess that’s my answer. Why am I still single? Because I want to be, dammit. How about you?