Site Meter Dating with Children » Being Single

Being Single

Rules for Dating a Single Parent

Monday, May 19th, 2008

Single Parent Dating Rules

Of the few emails I receive, this is a often-asked question even amongst the few. And from the questions I’ve deduced that (a) there are still major stereotypes surrounding dating a single parent, (b) a lot of childless singles fear dating single parents but are willing to try, and (c) there are few places on the internet that list a set of hard and fast rules for dating a single parent. Why? I’m not sure, but someone’s got to start the trend.

These are, what I believe, are firm rules for dating a single parent. Did I miss something? Disagree with my choices? Feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think.

      Spontaneity, although admirable and fun, is almost impossible for a single parent, unless they have a structured, regular visitation schedule with the other parent. Even then they’ll probably want a cell phone on and close by at all times. If your date cannot see you on 30-minute notice, this is probably why and it has nothing to do with you. Try to accept this early on, or by doing things that seem spontaneous, but are planned as a surprise instead. (i.e. I’m taking you out tonight, dress casual, bring your phone, but the rest is a secret!)

      Accept that the single parent you are dating may prioritize time alone before their dates with you. Again, this isn’t a reflection on you, but rather their need for private space once in a while.

      Focus on the frugal where possible. Yes, not all single parents are struggling financially, but many are. I know for me personally, an evening out that costs more than my rent isn’t something I find appealing (which yes, has happened on more than one occasion). Showing your date that you are well-off and financially secure is one thing, but if you spend too much money on a date, many a single parent will be silently wishing the money was being used for something a bit less frivolous.

      If you are dating a single parent who doesn’t want you to meet their kids, don’t take it personally. Every relationship moves at its own pace, and most single parents are very protective of their kids. Being a positive role model is something most single parents need to know you are before the introductions occur, and that can take a while in any dating relationship. Alternatively, if the single parent wants you to meet their child(ren) early on and you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t hesitate in saying so. Kids are intuitively smart, and they’ll pick up on your unease. Discuss with your date before meeting the kids what is expected and what needs to happen. Don’t assume anything.

      If or when you do meet the kids, use the single parent as a guideline for what is and isn’t ok. Don’t discipline the child(ren), and let the single parent decide what forms of affection are acceptable when the kids are around (such as hand holding or kissing). If there is a problem with a child of the single parent you are dating, talk to your date about the issue when the kids aren’t around.

Single Moms Settling

Monday, May 12th, 2008

Single Mom, photo by Steve Woods / stock.xchng

I just read an article in the UK Times Online that infuriated me - and thus, I’m blogging about it. Settle For Less in Love, says single-mom-by-choice Laurie Gottlieb. Because in her eyes, all 30-something unmarried women are either panicked about being single or “in denial or lying”.

Gottlieb’s take is that men have more lovely ladies to choose from while in their 30’s, yet the women in the same age category have slim pickings. Thus, why not consider the “older, overweight and bald category,” because (in her worldview) all men end up being all three eventually anyway.

I’m not sure who Gottlieb is doing more of a disserve to: the 30-something women that she’s lumping into one awfully desperate sounding category, or the supposed lucky men she speaks of. I mean, although I would love a partner-in-crime, I have some very basic criteria that need to be met before I can accept someone into my life: intelligent, passionate, honest to a fault, within 5-10 yrs of my age, and someone with whom I have undeniable chemistry. Tick all the boxes and I’d be a very happy camper. But if I end up single for the rest of my life because I refuse to let go of this list, I’m not going to be unhappy either. I don’t mind being single, and I don’t think being single (or a single mom) reflects negatively on my desirability as a mate.

The problem with Gottlieb’s observations is that she’s only accounted for the sub-group of single moms who are extremely picky about who they date. I definitely don’t fall into this category, as I’ve accepted dates from a large, motley group of men over the years. As long as they were relatively close in age and weren’t a hazard to my health, I’d accept. Now they may not have gotten a second or a third date with that strategy, but I’d decided long ago that only dating my “type” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, especially myself. And when I became a single mom, that philosophy didn’t change.

As well, I didn’t choose to be a single mom with my son. Mine was a planned pregnancy, even though my former partner of five years bolted within hours of finding out I was pregnant. I was even willing to try and work things out (even though he left me), because I felt strongly that a child needs a community within which to grow, and part of that is his/her biological family. Alas, he’s never been willing to even listen to a discussion on the matter.

So, I’m a single mom. And quite frankly, I love it, and feel no need whatsoever to “settle”. In fact, I’ve had several marriage proposals since finding out I’d be bringing a child into this world on my own - some from very decent, lovely men - but because one of the must-have criteria were missing, I had to say no. Call me an optimistic, romantic and selfish fool if you like, but I can’t see myself settling for anyone.

Why Am I Still Single?

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Why Am I Still Single

Photo Credit: Sanja Gjenero, stock.xchng

It’s an interesting question, and one that I get asked often. “Bonny, you’re such a beautiful woman. Why are you still single?” asked one of my exes. Another, “You’ve got everything. Everything! Except a man. Why are you still single?”

A part of me is frustrated by the question. Why am I still single? Well, duh. Because I haven’t met someone that has rocked my world. Yet. Lately. As well, it implies that somehow I am less a woman by the sheer experience of not having a partner. Which isn’t something that I feel is lacking in my life. Ok, I would love to date someone that takes my breath away. Of course! But I’m not going to desperately cling on to anyone who smiles my way either just so that people stop asking me why I’m still single.

Are there reasons beyond the obvious? OF course. Aren’t there always? I’m still working through the drama and hurt from my last relationship with my son’s father. I feel strongly that until I can speak of the situation without negative emotion, I’m not fit for a serious relationship. I find myself not trusting strangers because of the experience, and it comes across as being closed off and unavailable. I’m also struggling to meet new people, and without new people in my life, there will be no special someone. Ok, there may be a very slight chance that my next relationship blossoms with someone I already know. Still, I’m new in town and my closest (only?) friend here is someone that has stated both in action and deed that dating each other isn’t in the cards.

Am I making excuses as to why I’m still single? Probably. I could be dating if I really put my mind to it. If I got a sitter and went to the pub, maybe. But getting a sitter for my four-month-old so I can go drink seems alien to me.

And therein lies the rub: for every opportunity, I have a reason why I can’t. I won’t. I don’t feel comfy. Excuses, really. I give people dating advice every day, and I am the most frustrated with the people stuck in the same rut I’m in now - refusing to do anything to change their situation, yet complaining that everything always stays the same.

So I guess that’s my answer. Why am I still single? Because I want to be, dammit. How about you?

About Dating with Children

Being a single parent can be a challenge. Trying to meet people and date successfully while parenting might be a bit much to ask! Yet, millions of single parents date every day. This dating blog endeavors to discuss the benefits, joys and pitfalls of dating with children, while supporting dating single parents in their attempts to find love and companionship.

Dating with Children Author(s)

Blogging Flair

Relationship Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory

blogarama - the blog directory
iPing-it!

Dating & Relationships Channel Posts

  • Friday Free-For-All - Health
    Hello and welcome to the Friday Free-for-All! Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as [...]
  • Love Question 39
    Hello everyone! It's that time again... This past week I have been feeling absolutely run down. I tried to ignore it, keep working, keep going out to get groceries and that sort of thing... [...]
  • I Cheat
    That's right, my friends. I just have to get it off my chest. I've been living the lie for too long. I cheat... at making the bed. Shocking, isn't it? I've come to the conclusion that it is [...]
  • Geeky Marriage Proposals
    Not everyone dreams of the perfect, romantic wedding proposal. While most women think long and hard about the way they’d like to be asked to marry the man of their dreams, men are often left [...]
  • Head Cold Brain
    As if to further prove to myself that I'm still at that level ill 'stuffy brain' where you aren't thinking clearly, for a while, the title of this post was "Head Cold Braing". I'm not sure what a [...]
  • Chicken Soup for the Soul: True Love Story Call Out
    Chicken Soup for the Soul: True Love 101 Heartwarming and Humorous Stories about Dating, Romance, Love and Marriage Everyone loves a good love story. And we all love stories about how the love [...]
  • Words on the Australian Bushfires by Mr. JM
    My husband is joining us today to share a few words. When disaster comes, it can be difficult to identify with the people directly affected unless perhaps one has been through similar [...]
  • Friday Free-for-All - Art
    Hello and welcome to the Friday Free-for-All! Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as [...]
  • Love Question 38
    Hello everyone! It's that time again... This past week has been 'interesting', that's for sure. At the beginning of the month, we booked for a lovely Valentine's Day package with some new [...]
  • Life After Disaster
    By Mr. JM Today we head out into the fire-ravaged countryside around Melbourne. For those who don’t know, Victoria, Australia, has been hit by the worst fires ever in our history. Almost 200 [...]

Hot Off The Press