Baby Mama Drama
Baby Mama Drama. It’s a new term that I haven’t heard a lot, but it rings true for me on a lot of levels. If someone told me the guy I was seeing had baby mama drama, I’d probably ask questions first, and then run. Fast. Because the last thing I want to have to deal with is the unresolved business with someone else’s ex.
If I think about it objectively, I could easily be considered baby mama drama for my ex, and I have to wonder why and how he was able to move on as quickly as he did. Not because he found a new girlfriend in record time, but because there was another woman out there willing to put up with my baby mama drama. As in: she chose to move herself and her son in with my son’s father around the same time I was giving birth. I didn’t even know this woman existed until days before I went into labor, so let’s just say baby mama drama is an understatement for how I reacted.
But where does dating someone who has baggage become acceptable? (Because, let’s face it: we’ve ALL got baggage). What scenarios make someone acceptable date material?
I’m learning what does, and what doesn’t work for me as I come across it. Would I date someone whose ex was pregnant with their child? Never in a million years. Someone who had a restraining order against the other biological parent? Depends, but probably not. How about someone who is separated and is still maneuvering the divorce and custody proceedings? Nope.
But all of those are scenarios I’d already come up with solutions (for me) even before I had children. But now, as I get older, I have to wonder just how effective these self-imposed screening mechanisms are.
Why? Because few people have good, healthy relationships with their ex’s. They are an ex for a reason, usually. But I’ve seen it done - live it in fact with my daughter’s Dad. We are the best of friends, chat almost every day online, and ask each other for advice regularly. We co-parent even though they live a 12hr drive away, and all major decisions about my daughter are discussed between us, first. And honestly? It hasn’t been that hard, although I frequently hear from other parents (including my son’s grandmother) that I can’t expect the majority of single parents be so lucky.
So maybe my expectations are skewed. Or maybe I’m just learning now that baby mama drama frequently comes with the territory of being a single parent. Or maybe, just maybe, if I want to date, I’ve got to loosen up a bit.
What do you think?
Note for clarification: I have two children, separated by ten years, by different fathers. My daughter’s Dad and I are friends and have an excellent co-parenting relationship. My son’s Father has no interest in being a parent to his son, even though ours was a planned pregnancy. The negatives I’m complaining about in this post are about my son’s Father; any comments about being in regular contact are regarding my daughter’s Dad.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:33 am
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May 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Well….I think your crazy. I think if your e-mailing everyday, and asking for advise, with an ex-spouse,there are deeper (MUCH DEEPER)feeling in the relationship. I can’t imagine how is girlfriend/wife or whatever she is is feeling. I know that shouldn’t matter consisdering you are discussing your daughter, but are you? Or do you feel like you have missed something when you DON’T talk to him for a day. To me, contact everyday is stranger than less contact. I know a child is involved, but are you e-mailing everyday and THINKING that it’s about your daughter, or is it that you want contact with him. Now, I have never read your blog until today and this happened to be the first one I read,so I apoligize if I jumped the gun, and you have referneced this in the past. Oh, and I am in the middle of my divorce (15 year marriage) and I have 3 daughters that live with me. I can’t imagine talking to the lady that left me to move in with her boyfriend,everyday. It gives me anxiety when she picks up the kids.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Sorry, I probably should have clarified a bit better. I have two children:
1) 10yr old tween daughter who I co-parent. They live 12hrs away, and her Dad and I have a fantastic relationship. She’ll be here all summer.
2) 5 month old son, whose father pays child support but is parental in no other way. He’s the one who moved on in record time (within hours of finding out I was pregnant), and has chosen to parent his gf’s child instead of his own. Him and I have a strained, mostly uncommunicative, relationship.
I have blogged about this before, but I really need to remind myself that I need to explain the situation briefly with each post!
Thanks for reminding me.
Bonny
June 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I have a good “working” relationship between my daughter’s dad and myself. When we parted ways, we agreed that everything between us was now going to be just about our daughter and nothing or nobody else. And so far, that’s all it’s been. He pays monthly and sees her on the weekends. Just recently we celebrated my daughters birthday with 1 birthday party and not two like I know how some people do when they’re divorced. I wanted to teach my daughter that she can’t get two of everything and I wanted to show her that WE ARE ALL HERE for her on her special day. Everything turned out fine and my daughter had a blast.
I speak to my ex 1-2 times a week, and our conversations only last aobut 2 minutes. They never go further than our daughter and what the plans are for her. It would be really weird if I spoke to him or even chatted with him every day. If it was me….move on, find another hobby, start cutting conversations short, is what I say. They are an ex for a reason. I might have harsh advice, but it’s not about trying to salvage a relationship with my babys dad. It’s about salvaging what we have and instilling all that energy into raising our daughter.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Hi, I was in a very complicated situation. I went out with this guy (lets call him Adam) when he is single only to find out after several dates that his ex is pregnant. He broke up with her before we met. I have no clue who he was seeing before he met me. He found out that she was pregnant and didnt tell me. He continue to date me, refer to her as a friend and didnt tell me anything about her pregnancy until much later. When he finally told me, he said he did not tell me the truth because they were still deciding what to do. Now it is clear that she is keeping the baby and hence he had to tell me. Then I asked him whether he is going to get together with her again for the sake of the child. He said no and said that he wants to date me. He also said that she understands. On this basis I continue seeing him. Much later I found out the baby mama starts a drama. She saw our photos together on his blog and wasnt happy about it. I asked him again about what he wanted to do because I dont want to be part of this drama. He was adamant about wanting to be with me. So I said fine and told him not to neglect his child once the child is born. The child did no wrong. And also to give support to the baby mama. But what happened was that the child is born and he moved in with the baby mama. Baby mama doesnt want me around and doesnt want me to be part of his life and he followed what she said. So I was left with a broken heart. I didnt ask to be part of the whole drama. But at the end of the day, I dont want to say that it was the baby mama’s fault. It is the guy’s fault for not knowing what he really wants and explain to all parties involve from the beginning. No drama will happen if everyone is clear from the start. If I knew about the drama that may happened, I will not continue to see him.
In your case, I suggest you be strong and deal with the situation in a mature manner. What do you need as a mom? Support. What does your child need? Understanding, loving and supportive parents. So that’s what you ask for. But don’t confuse support with romantic love. If you free yourself from relationship that doesn’t work, you will find something that works. I let Adam and the baby mama figure out what best for them while I move on with my life. Just remember that as a women, we deserve to be loved exclusively, so just be practical with the daddy of your child. You are co-parenting. So keep it that way. Amicable, not too much to be confused with anything else. Any state of confusion is unhealthy. Find that love you deserve.