Dating with Children

From the Editor, Kathie Lee

“Relationships in the City”

So it’s your third date, and you’re starting to suspect that the guy you’ve been making googly eyes at all night may not be telling the entire truth. To start with, he was an hour late, which he blamed on traffic coming into town. Next, whenever you ask him about his last relationship, he glances nervously at his watch and changes the subject. Finally, he’s wearing a striped prison uniform, and you just know he has to have at least one other outfit in his closet.

OK, just kidding about that last point, but this is a serious (and surprisingly common) situation that merits some hard-headed advice.

Forget what you’ve seen on TV. The plots of countless crime shows notwithstanding, Kathie Lee says, “even trained psychologists are very bad at discerning the moment when someone is telling a lie.�? Rather than studying your date’s face for an unconscious twitch or a furtive sideways glance, “you’re better off trying to figure out this person’s character,�? which is revealed more by his conversation than by his body language or facial expressions. Which brings us to…

Ask the right questions. I recommends asking (not grilling) your date about his past romantic entanglements, then listening very carefully to what he has to say. “If he attributes everything that went wrong to the other person, then he’s not taking responsibility for his own life, and such people often turn out to be liars.�? This doesn’t only apply to past girlfriends: If, for instance, he says he left his last job because his boss was “a jerk,�? that’s a red flag, too.

Stand your ground. If you decide to challenge your beau about one of his half-truths (or outright whoppers), be prepared for a barrage of excuses. “Often times, such people will try to appeal to your honesty and empathy,�? Kathie Lee says. Here are some lines you’re likely to hear: “I was turned on by you so much, I just couldn’t bear to tell you,�? “Please don’t be angry, you’re the only one who understands me,�? and “I’ll never do it again, can you please forgive me?�?

Don’t fall for the “rebel�? routine. “A sociopath feels himself to be outside the law, social or actual,�? Kathie Lee says, “and not only does he like to bend the rules, he also wants you to help him.�? So if your date casually says things like, “Let’s have sex in the elevator,�? or “Let’s just sneak into the movie, no one will notice,�? don’t be surprised if he’s dropped a few lies as well during the course of the evening.

Know when to cut your losses. Surprisingly, Takes a more lenient stance than the classic expression, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.�? “I have a list of rules for dealing with sociopaths, and one of them is The Rule of 3’s. If this person has misled you once, it could be a mistake or misunderstanding. If he’s done it twice, it can still be a mistake (though that’s less likely). But when it happens three times, that’s when you know you’re with someone who deals in falsehoods.�?

Don’t blame yourself. Per the first point on this list, many women tend to beat themselves up after becoming involved with a pathological liar, because they cling to the “superstition�? that they should have been able to figure things out right away. “Lying is difficult to detect,�? she says, “so you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.�? Get away from the liar in question, and get on with your life without berating yourself. ~

liar, lies in dating, dating, pathological liar, lying, breaking up, TV