Dating with Children

Although not a single parent dating site persay, Lavalife is an excellent option for parents looking for low-cost ways of meeting new people. Here’s why:

• Offers three different sections for users to join: Dating, Relationships and Intimate Encounters. Users can pick and choose which sides they want their profiles to show up in, and even change their handle and profile completely from one to the next should they desire a bit of anonymity.
• Inexpensive to free, depending on who you are and how you use the site. I was a member on and off for many years, and never paid a penny because the person who makes first contact, pays. Lavalife uses a credit system, where those who pay for a full membership can purchase credits, which are then used to do a variety of things. Sending mail, for instance, costs 6 credits, while instigating chats with whomever else is online for an hour costs 12 credits.
• There are a great many ways to contact someone using Lavalife, such as smiles (free for everyone), email, instant messaging, video chat, Lavalife’s version of speed dating and live phone calls through the website.
• Lavalife has a very large user base especially in Canada. My first time using the system netted me well over 100 instant messages the first day, and countless emails. It was overwhelming to say the least!

Are there any drawbacks to Lavalife? I’ve found over the years that membership has lessened somewhat, and that many users weren’t quite looking for what they’d stated. (i.e. a gent in Relationships who was looking for more of a dating relationship) Having said that, the last I checked, there was no checkbox to say whether or not you are a single parent - so unless you mention it in your profile, there can be no sort of dating parent discrimination.

Would I recommend Lavalife to other single parents? Most definitely. Just make sure that you don’t use the same one-liner that everyone else on the site seems to prefer: I’m the one your mother warned you about.

I’ve noticed a lot of readers are looking for ideas on how to introduce your kids to a new partner. Since I don’t have any first-hand knowledge of this topic, I thought I’d get a guest post instead. This is from Cheryl Ashbrook.

If you are dating as a single parent then you will want to introduce your kids to your new partner once the time is right and you will obviously want the meeting to go well. If everybody has a good time, they will all leave with a positive first impression of each other which can only make life simpler for you. Neutral ground always makes for an easier introduction than at home, where the kids may feel a little territorial. More difficult still would be meeting at your partners home, particularly if they are not use to having kids around.

So where do you go? What kind of venue takes the pressure off all of you and has the best chances of all going well?

The obvious answer is to choose something the kids enjoy. Your partner should be prepared to fit in with your children and a kids trip out will be a subtle way of reinforcing that to your children and help them feel they are important. If you put your kids in an environment where they are bored, uncomfortable or overly constrained, they will subconsciously associate that feeling with your partner being around and may resent them. So do not choose anything formal like a lunch or dinner where conversation may be forced and the atmosphere a little tense.

You will need to choose an activity or venue that is pitched at the right age and interests for your family to ensure that the meeting is a success. If you have small children then choose places like the zoo, park or perhaps an adventure park that has rides designed for smaller children. This will enable your new partner to interact with your children whilst they are having fun and not entirely focused on them and will probably make the first meeting go more smoothly.

There are many more options if your children are slightly older, but the emphasis should still be on having fun and distractions rather than focusing the attention on getting to know your new partner as there will be plenty of time for that in the future. A trip to the cinema or a sporting event provides an ideal opportunity for you all to share an experience without any pressure to make conversation initially. And if you do decide to have a meal afterwards then you will all have something in common to talk about!

By putting your kids interests first and having your partner go along with them, you stand the best chance of a the first meeting being a success. However, there is always the possibility of a tantrum or bad behaviour. So try not to expect too much of your kids and do not be any harder on them than normal because you are too anxious for things to go well. Your kids are no more perfect than anyone else and are virtually guaranteed to play up if you are tense and set the expectations on behaviour too high. Let them be themselves and remember to relax and have fun with them yourself too. Then your partner will get the chance to see how you operate as a family and where and how they can fit in and make things work in the long term.

Cheryl Ashbrook is an author for the online dating tips website http://www.MaxMyProfile.co.uk which provides online dating advice and services for men and women.

I find it harder to meet people in a small town than I do when I live in a larger city. Several other friends who have also lived in both have openly disagreed with me however. “Because when there are less people, its easier to find connections.” Kinda like the six degrees of separation phenomenon.

Which, if I think of meeting people in a small town from that perspective, I can’t help but to agree. Meeting those first few kind souls is the hard part, but once the ball is rolling, suddenly you feel like you are connected to everyone. I haven’t quite decided yet if this is a good thing.

Case in point: I’ve been chatting with a gent on a dating site who lives out of town, but who is moving here at the end of the month. No expectations, just the hopes of meeting new people. He’s got a son of his own, and he’s recent, young retiree, so he has (in his own words) plenty of time on his hands. All sounds lovely so far, doesn’t it?

So I mention him to my sister, because, well, she may think of places to show this new small town member that I’d forgotten about, having only recently moved here myself. But no. Instead she asks, “His name wouldn’t happen to be so-and-so would it? Because he sounds a lot like the guy who is moving in with my coworker.”

Uh oh, I think. I know this coworker. She’s a lovely woman. Kind hearted, friendly, and passionate. But she’s talked about her new housemate often, and even I’ve wondered by the way she lights up when she speaks of him if there is something more going on than merely “two people helping each other out”.

I hate triangles, even more so in small towns because they are so common when meeting new people. So what to do? I’ll email him and ask. Hopefully he’ll get the note before he turns off his internet service, and I’ll be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Baby Mama Drama. It’s a new term that I haven’t heard a lot, but it rings true for me on a lot of levels. If someone told me the guy I was seeing had baby mama drama, I’d probably ask questions first, and then run. Fast. Because the last thing I want to have to deal with is the unresolved business with someone else’s ex.

If I think about it objectively, I could easily be considered baby mama drama for my ex, and I have to wonder why and how he was able to move on as quickly as he did. Not because he found a new girlfriend in record time, but because there was another woman out there willing to put up with my baby mama drama. As in: she chose to move herself and her son in with my son’s father around the same time I was giving birth. I didn’t even know this woman existed until days before I went into labor, so let’s just say baby mama drama is an understatement for how I reacted.

But where does dating someone who has baggage become acceptable? (Because, let’s face it: we’ve ALL got baggage). What scenarios make someone acceptable date material?

I’m learning what does, and what doesn’t work for me as I come across it. Would I date someone whose ex was pregnant with their child? Never in a million years. Someone who had a restraining order against the other biological parent? Depends, but probably not. How about someone who is separated and is still maneuvering the divorce and custody proceedings? Nope.

But all of those are scenarios I’d already come up with solutions (for me) even before I had children. But now, as I get older, I have to wonder just how effective these self-imposed screening mechanisms are.

Why? Because few people have good, healthy relationships with their ex’s. They are an ex for a reason, usually. But I’ve seen it done - live it in fact with my daughter’s Dad. We are the best of friends, chat almost every day online, and ask each other for advice regularly. We co-parent even though they live a 12hr drive away, and all major decisions about my daughter are discussed between us, first. And honestly? It hasn’t been that hard, although I frequently hear from other parents (including my son’s grandmother) that I can’t expect the majority of single parents be so lucky.

So maybe my expectations are skewed. Or maybe I’m just learning now that baby mama drama frequently comes with the territory of being a single parent. Or maybe, just maybe, if I want to date, I’ve got to loosen up a bit.

What do you think?

Note for clarification: I have two children, separated by ten years, by different fathers. My daughter’s Dad and I are friends and have an excellent co-parenting relationship. My son’s Father has no interest in being a parent to his son, even though ours was a planned pregnancy. The negatives I’m complaining about in this post are about my son’s Father; any comments about being in regular contact are regarding my daughter’s Dad.

I dated my son’s bio Dad on and off for over five years. During that time, he met my daughter a handful of times. I never introduced him as my boyfriend or partner. He was always just “Mommy’s friend”. I never felt the need to tell her more than that, and because she never asked, I left it.

Little did I know that during the few times we all hung out, he made her a couple of promises. Things like, “I promise to take good care of your Mom,” and “I will do everything I can to make sure your Mom sees you as often as possible, but you have to be strong and not cry when we have to leave, ok?”

Things I wish I’d known more about then, but hindsight is 20/20.

So because I’d never really told my daughter that we were together, telling her we’d broken up was something I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of, either. It was when I finally had the chance to sit down with her and talk about what had happened that I learned about the promises made. “How could he leave you pregnant, Mom? He said he loved you and would take care of you…”

It was heartbreaking. I didn’t have a lot of answers.

What I do know is this: if I ever have to tell either of my children about a breakup again, I’ll make sure to prepare myself more for the questions. I’m sure eventually my son will want to know why Mommy and Daddy aren’t together, and I’m still formulating a kid-appropriate story that doesn’t leave me in tears. Luckily I have some time.

I’ll also spend more time providing my children with processes with which to grieve. Ways they too can say goodbye, especially if they weren’t given the chance to properly. Because even though the relationship that ended was with me - it affects them too. And I have to wonder who it hurts more. Me or them?

Have you ever told your kids about a breakup? What did you say? How did it go?

Would you believe - Lance Armstrong?

According to Stuff New Zealand, Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been dating a couple of weeks now. They were introduced by Hudson’s former boyfriend, Owen Wilson. Armstrong was most recently dating and engaged to singer Sheryl Crow, but they broke off their engagement in 2007 after a three-year long relationship.

Hudson has been a single mom since the breakup with ex-husband Christopher Robinson, and has custody of their four-year-old son, Ryder. Hudson was also raised (in part) in a single parent family: parents Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson separated when Kate was eighteen months old, although Hawn later partnered with actor Kurt Russell, who raised Kate as his own.

Even more interesting is that even though the two haven’t been dating long, Hudson and Armstrong have already had public dates with the kids present. Whatever happened to waiting until things were serious to have the kids meet? Hm. Maybe there are different single parent dating rules for celebrities.

I’m a big fan of online dating for single parents, mostly because it allows us to meet new people with the intention of dating whenever and wherever it is convenient. Kids are off at school? Check your inbox to see who has winked at you. The little one having a nap? Log into MSN and have a quick chat. Want to make plans for a weekend date? Then call the sitter and get your clothes ready, because Saturday afternoon is prime time to meet someone.

There are a number of niche dating sites cropping up to cater to the single parent market - either single parents themselves, or people who want to/are willing to date single parents. The only problem with these specialty sites is that they don’t have the sheer numbers needed to provide users with a large enough sample size to meet. There may be a few, and if they are worth it, I’m sure I’ll find them.

In the meantime, I’ll blog about the dating sites for single parents that I’ve used myself and have found success with. My criteria?

• - Inexpensive or free, because it’s not like us single parents have a lot of money to throw into online dating sites.
• - Large user base from which to choose.
• - Basic safety measures in place to ensure privacy and integrity.
• - If the site is fun, unique or interesting, even better.

So stay tuned as I review the best dating sites for single parents over the upcoming weeks. Make sure to either bookmark this page or subscribe to the RSS feeds to ensure you don’t miss a single one. I’ll make a point of citing links to each one here too, as I post them.

Of the few emails I receive, this is a often-asked question even amongst the few. And from the questions I’ve deduced that (a) there are still major stereotypes surrounding dating a single parent, (b) a lot of childless singles fear dating single parents but are willing to try, and (c) there are few places on the internet that list a set of hard and fast rules for dating a single parent. Why? I’m not sure, but someone’s got to start the trend.

These are, what I believe, are firm rules for dating a single parent. Did I miss something? Disagree with my choices? Feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think.

Spontaneity, although admirable and fun, is almost impossible for a single parent, unless they have a structured, regular visitation schedule with the other parent. Even then they’ll probably want a cell phone on and close by at all times. If your date cannot see you on 30-minute notice, this is probably why and it has nothing to do with you. Try to accept this early on, or by doing things that seem spontaneous, but are planned as a surprise instead. (i.e. I’m taking you out tonight, dress casual, bring your phone, but the rest is a secret!)
Accept that the single parent you are dating may prioritize time alone before their dates with you. Again, this isn’t a reflection on you, but rather their need for private space once in a while.
Focus on the frugal where possible. Yes, not all single parents are struggling financially, but many are. I know for me personally, an evening out that costs more than my rent isn’t something I find appealing (which yes, has happened on more than one occasion). Showing your date that you are well-off and financially secure is one thing, but if you spend too much money on a date, many a single parent will be silently wishing the money was being used for something a bit less frivolous.
If you are dating a single parent who doesn’t want you to meet their kids, don’t take it personally. Every relationship moves at its own pace, and most single parents are very protective of their kids. Being a positive role model is something most single parents need to know you are before the introductions occur, and that can take a while in any dating relationship. Alternatively, if the single parent wants you to meet their child(ren) early on and you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t hesitate in saying so. Kids are intuitively smart, and they’ll pick up on your unease. Discuss with your date before meeting the kids what is expected and what needs to happen. Don’t assume anything.
If or when you do meet the kids, use the single parent as a guideline for what is and isn’t ok. Don’t discipline the child(ren), and let the single parent decide what forms of affection are acceptable when the kids are around (such as hand holding or kissing). If there is a problem with a child of the single parent you are dating, talk to your date about the issue when the kids aren’t around.

In the past I’ve dated people who weren’t fond of children. Several never even knew I had a daughter. But my intention wasn’t to hide someone important in my life from them, but rather to avoid the negative stereotypes that come along with being a single parent. You don’t get very far as a single mom before finding out that many single childless men won’t date a woman with kids, period. So I removed this non-negotiable, and just dated.

When things got a bit serious several years ago with a man who adamantly refused to have children or even discuss them, I let the cat out of the bag. “I have a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent daughter who lives with her Dad. I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like, but she’s a very important part of my world. I thought you should know.”

Surprisingly, the gent wasn’t even phased. He’d already mentioned on several occasions that I seemed to be the Gaia-type: an earthy woman who felt it her responsibility to take those in need under her wing and assist in any way she could. I didn’t disagree. I was the same way even before I had children.

So when the gent asked me if he could meet my daughter, I was floored. “I thought you hated kids? I thought you never wanted kids?” My radar was up, and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted this guy to meet my daughter. I mean, if he really does hate kids, I’m not putting my daughter through that ordeal!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m nowhere near having sex with anyone new, because frankly, I’m not dating anyone. But a lot of time is still spent thinking about single parent sex. Is it the same as when you’re single without children, or is it better? More challenging? Hotter? Quicker?

It may be a bit early for me to be considering single parent sex. But if my mind is on it already, isn’t that a good sign? I mean, with my first child, it took me years to feel like a sexual creature again. YEARS. I still cringe when I think about it. But this time around with my son, I was feeling randy almost immediately - like, as soon as the painkillers from the C-section wore off. Perhaps that’s a bit too much information, but I’m sure there’s a dad-to-be out there somewhere reading this and heaving a sigh of relief in the hopes his partner-in-crime feels the same way after giving birth.

I went searching the ‘net for single parent sex stories (the good, bad and ugly). Unfortunately I didn’t find much that was useful other than some mildly pornographic stories ala Penthouse style. Where were the real single parents, talking about how they managed to find time to have sex?

I’m sure many people just get a sitter or wait until the kids are asleep. The sitter will probably be my route, since I’m a huge advocate of introducing the kids only after a dating relationship has evolved into something I’m fairly certain will be of a serious nature. There are few things that make me wince more than seeing friends of mine parade their dates in front of their kids on a weekly basis. I’d rather provide my tweeny daughter with a better role model where possible, since I’m sure soon enough I’ll be dealing with her dates.

So tell me: for those of you who have had, or are having, single parent sex - how do you do it? When? How often? Were the kids around? Did they know your date before the two of you became intimate?

_{Photo Credit: Nevit Dilmen / stock.xchng}

There’s a new reality TV show (maybe) coming to FOX that has many a single parent in an uproar - and for good reason. According to Reuters, “The network has ordered a pilot in which an avenger of penniless single mothers hunts down deadbeat dads and forces them to pay child support.”

Ok. I know there are a lot of men out there who aren’t paying child support. For every down-and-out mom with a tale of woe there are ten others with even worse stories, I’m sure. I’m definitely one of the lucky single moms in this respect; my son’s father - although absent from his life - pays child support like clockwork.

But do we really need a show where unassuming men are, literally (again, from Reuters), “ambushed”, but for a “noble cause”? Do the children of these men need to see their fathers being shamed, humiliated and who knows what else on national television? And what on earth will happen in the schoolyard? It reminds me of a political cartoon that has two kids yelling at each other. The caption read something like, “My Dad is more absent than YOUR Dad!”

I understand the intentions are good. Single mothers (and dads) need financial support to raise their children, and one-parent families who have been abandoned by one parent are becoming an epidemic. But if it takes a community to raise a child, do we really need our communities to air the dirty laundry so publicly? I think not.

I’m going to start this post with a disclaimer: I love the concept of speed dating. I think it’s a brilliant idea, and I think it can benefit almost anyone who decides they want to take the plunge.

This may sound like I’m gushing about speed dating, or perhaps that I’m biased - but I’m neither. I don’t own or run a speed dating company, and I’ve never met someone I’ve dated at a speed dating event. And yet, I can’t get the idea out of my head that there isn’t another event or situation that you can place yourself into, where you’ll be guaranteed to meet someone you click with (or you get to attend another event for free).

Of the speed dating companies I’ve either reviewed for my “other” job or used personally, every single one has offered a guarantee: If you don’t meet someone that you click with, you an attend another event free of charge. Add to the fact that everyone in attendance is pre-chosen (based on their age and the fact that they are single and looking) - does it get any better?

Ok, ok. Some speed dating companies charge a bit much. $40 a night is steep in my world, but I wouldn’t have an issue with $20 for a night of meeting new people and some short but fun conversation. Adding a sitter would increase the fee a little bit, but not to an unreasonable amount. And if I don’t like the person with whom I am sharing a speed date with - all I have to do is smile pretty and wait, because our “date” will only last a couple of minutes, at best.

I’ve moved to a small town where there aren’t any active speed dating companies. Can you tell I’m pretty bummed about that? Yeah. So bummed that I’m considering running my own event, just to see if there is enough interest. Who knows? With any luck I may meet another single parent who also feels that speed dating is THE way to meet new people.

I just read an article in the UK Times Online that infuriated me - and thus, I’m blogging about it. Settle For Less in Love, says single-mom-by-choice Laurie Gottlieb. Because in her eyes, all 30-something unmarried women are either panicked about being single or “in denial or lying”.

Gottlieb’s take is that men have more lovely ladies to choose from while in their 30’s, yet the women in the same age category have slim pickings. Thus, why not consider the “older, overweight and bald category,” because (in her worldview) all men end up being all three eventually anyway.

I’m not sure who Gottlieb is doing more of a disserve to: the 30-something women that she’s lumping into one awfully desperate sounding category, or the supposed lucky men she speaks of. I mean, although I would love a partner-in-crime, I have some very basic criteria that need to be met before I can accept someone into my life: intelligent, passionate, honest to a fault, within 5-10 yrs of my age, and someone with whom I have undeniable chemistry. Tick all the boxes and I’d be a very happy camper. But if I end up single for the rest of my life because I refuse to let go of this list, I’m not going to be unhappy either. I don’t mind being single, and I don’t think being single (or a single mom) reflects negatively on my desirability as a mate.

The problem with Gottlieb’s observations is that she’s only accounted for the sub-group of single moms who are extremely picky about who they date. I definitely don’t fall into this category, as I’ve accepted dates from a large, motley group of men over the years. As long as they were relatively close in age and weren’t a hazard to my health, I’d accept. Now they may not have gotten a second or a third date with that strategy, but I’d decided long ago that only dating my “type” wasn’t doing anyone any favors, especially myself. And when I became a single mom, that philosophy didn’t change.

As well, I didn’t choose to be a single mom with my son. Mine was a planned pregnancy, even though my former partner of five years bolted within hours of finding out I was pregnant. I was even willing to try and work things out (even though he left me), because I felt strongly that a child needs a community within which to grow, and part of that is his/her biological family. Alas, he’s never been willing to even listen to a discussion on the matter.

So, I’m a single mom. And quite frankly, I love it, and feel no need whatsoever to “settle”. In fact, I’ve had several marriage proposals since finding out I’d be bringing a child into this world on my own - some from very decent, lovely men - but because one of the must-have criteria were missing, I had to say no. Call me an optimistic, romantic and selfish fool if you like, but I can’t see myself settling for anyone.

_{Photo Credit: Sanja Gjenero, stock.xchng}

It’s an interesting question, and one that I get asked often. “Bonny, you’re such a beautiful woman. Why are you still single?” asked one of my exes. Another, “You’ve got everything. Everything! Except a man. Why are you still single?”

A part of me is frustrated by the question. Why am I still single? Well, duh. Because I haven’t met someone that has rocked my world. Yet. Lately. As well, it implies that somehow I am less a woman by the sheer experience of not having a partner. Which isn’t something that I feel is lacking in my life. Ok, I would love to date someone that takes my breath away. Of course! But I’m not going to desperately cling on to anyone who smiles my way either just so that people stop asking me why I’m still single.

Are there reasons beyond the obvious? OF course. Aren’t there always? I’m still working through the drama and hurt from my last relationship with my son’s father. I feel strongly that until I can speak of the situation without negative emotion, I’m not fit for a serious relationship. I find myself not trusting strangers because of the experience, and it comes across as being closed off and unavailable. I’m also struggling to meet new people, and without new people in my life, there will be no special someone. Ok, there may be a very slight chance that my next relationship blossoms with someone I already know. Still, I’m new in town and my closest (only?) friend here is someone that has stated both in action and deed that dating each other isn’t in the cards.

Am I making excuses as to why I’m still single? Probably. I could be dating if I really put my mind to it. If I got a sitter and went to the pub, maybe. But getting a sitter for my four-month-old so I can go drink seems alien to me.

And therein lies the rub: for every opportunity, I have a reason why I can’t. I won’t. I don’t feel comfy. Excuses, really. I give people dating advice every day, and I am the most frustrated with the people stuck in the same rut I’m in now - refusing to do anything to change their situation, yet complaining that everything always stays the same.

So I guess that’s my answer. Why am I still single? Because I want to be, dammit. How about you?

_{Photo credit: Pam Roth, stock.xhcng}

The Washington Post’s Miss Manners Q&A had an interesting question posted today. Essentially, the reader wanted to know if it was appropriate for him to buy a Mother’s Day gift for the woman he’s dating (who has three children from a prior relationship), because she’s outwardly stated this is her expectation.

I found the question both odd and strange. Perhaps the woman in question is merely hinting she’s wanting a gift from her guy to demonstrate the status of their relationship, but I personally can’t see why she’d want a gift from her beau. I mean, the intention of Mother’s Day gifts are to honor your own Mother, or someone who acted in a motherly fashion towards you. Although I wouldn’t go so far as Miss Manners’ retort:

“Perhaps the lady is saying that rather than dating you, what she really wants is to adopt you.”

I also think the request is a bit odd. Why not get your date to help the kids make you something special, or take them out for a bit so Mom can have a couple of hours of time to herself? Maybe I’m a tad old-fashioned, but I’d never expect a gift from a guy I was dating for Mother’s Day. Maybe one of my babies’ fathers, as I’ve given them both Father’s Day gifts. But do I/would I expect a Mother’s Day gift? Gosh no.

How about you?