Dating with Children

Never forget those who have sacrificed so much for our country. My father voluntarily served two tours in Vietnam as a field medic, and my grandfather was on the USS California, which was sunk in Pearl Harbor. My thanks to these two men who are my heroes, as well as all the other men and women who are your heroes.

It may be muy lamentable, but I just don’t speak Spanish. A man in Ecuador keeps sending me flirts on a dating site (and has been for probably a good two years) with no response from me because danged if I even know what he’s saying! I can’t even read his profile!

I finally looked up how to say, “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.” and left that for his inbox today. Think that will deter him or encourage him since I actually have finally made contact after all these months? What’s really bad is that I’m not even sure if Spanish is the native language of his country!

Have you ever wondered how these relationships between two countries work out? You could do some basic communication by using online translators (such as THIS one), but really, how could you share thoughts on how children are to be raised, where the best place to live would be, your deepest thoughts on religion and how you would expect the other person to treat you?

I don’t get it. If I’m looking at this wrong, please let me know!

no hablo español, english, distance relationships, parenting

eHarmony has decided to run another “free communication” weekend. Get logged in if you’re interested in seeing what all the fuss is about.

They say:

It’s Free Communication Weekend!

If you’ve been waiting for the right time to get started on eHarmony, this is it.

All weekend long you can experience the excitement of getting to know your matches by communicating with them for FREE!

I dare you to try it!

If you live in the Southeastern part of the US, you might want to check out THIS webpage. It’s officially an LDS site, but I know that most Single Adults have children, so you might want to check it out!

Snipped from their site:

The purpose of this page is to provide more information about events and activities involving Single Adults in the Bessemer Stake and greater Alabama region. This site has been approved by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as an official Church website for the Single Adults of the Bessemer Alabama Stake.

LDS, single adults, lds singles, Bessemer Stake, Alabama

Sorry I’ve been absent for a bit, but the last week of school is, pardon my French, HELL. There is so much to do, especially since I will be leaving this district at the end of the year. Today all I can say is TWO MORE DAYS!

I wonder how it’s going to affect dating…That whole unemployed thing. I can just see me meeting someone saying, “Hello! I’m Jill. I’m an unemployed 37 year old school teacher! Wanna have dinner? You are, of course, paying.” Have you ever had that line used on you? How did that work for you??

Luckily (I think), until I find another job, I won’t have time to date. Applying for jobs takes so much time! Who knew?

You all need to get out there and date and let me know how it goes for you!

Cheers!

dating, unemployment, school teacher, applying for jobs

Tonight, just for kicks, I took a personality test on plentyoffish.com. The owner of the site, Markus, has this to say about the test:

The Plentyoffish Compatibility Predictor (POFCP) measures five broad dimensions of personality that are each essential for building a romantic relationship. It’s not the case that a person must be “high” on each of the personality characteristics to be in a relationship. Instead, what is important is how your personality interacts with the personality of your romantic partner on each dimension. Or what is commonly called “chemistry.” Based on decades of empirical research in psychology, the POFCP captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the “right” chemistry.

My results, in general, said that I had a high degree of self-confidence and place high value on family and am very open, but may be too laid-back (and have too little self-control) for my own good. I would have to agree with that. There were many paragraphs telling me all about…well…ME, but I will spare you all the details.

I love personality tests, though, and if you do too, you can take the test HERE!

personality test, chemistry, compatibility, POFCP, plentyoffish

I was reading a little blurb on the star’s take on dating women with children. John Stamos’s section said:

John Stamos dated Denise Richards after her split from Charlie Sheen but ditched her because of her two young children. The actor made the revelation on Howard Stern’s satellite radio show last week, adding he ended the fling because he wasn’t prepared to play dad to Richards’ kids with Sheen.

He says, “It really kind of was the kid situation and what she’s going through. It just wasn’t the right time, you know. I barely did get out of that one! She was upset. She’s a great mom and dating women with kids is tough.”

Hmmm….”I barely did get out of that one” sort of irritates me (he could have had more tact in his wording), but I’m glad that he realized his limitations before he made a further commitment to her. I wonder how much he was expected to play “dad” to the kids, however, seeing that they already do have one of those….

Denise Richards, John Stamos, Charlie Sheen, Howard Stern, dating women with children, relationships

Tonight began as the perfect evening. My 8 year old daughter had a baseball game, immediately followed by my 12 year old son’s game. All of my kids were there (the other two being a 10 year old daughter and a 5 year old son) as well as my “extra kid” who is my oldest son’s friend and who spends a lot of time with us. We spit sunflower seed shells, cheered like wild for our team and just had a wonderful evening in the warm mountain air. I live in such an ideal spot. It’s safe and I was able to let my nonplaying kids run around in the trees and on the playground by the ball field. I was thinking, “Life does not get any better than this!”

THEN we got home. The kids were running around outside and I decided to let our three month old puppy run with them. We live back from the road and all there is for him to do is frolic and sniff trees. Thus began my problem. My 10 year old daughter had a complete and utter MELTDOWN that I let the dog off his leash and she was positive that he was going to run away and and die. Mind you, this dog doesn’t wander more than 10 feet from us at any given time because he’s very sweet and loves to be near us. Daughter and I then got into an argument. I say the dog needs to run and have fun outside so he can get exercise and be healthy and happy. She says “WHYYYYYYY OH WHYYYYYYY do you have to do this to me Mommy?????”

I had had enough. She was screaming and pitching a fit so I had to send her into the house to go to bed. I could not deal with her another second or things were going to get even more ugly.

I guess that we can’t have the perfect evening where we come home from a wonderful night at the ballpark, eat dinner and go to bed. SOMETHING has to happen.

I got to thinking that I was very VERY glad I didn’t have a boyfriend with me that night. He’d have run scared after seeing her freak out like that! Maybe that’s the best part of long distance relationships. If your kids start to have a conniption, you can just hang up the phone and call back later when your world is serene!

On the other hand, he may perceive my world as serene because I mainly talk on the phone after the kids are in bed, and while that is for the most part how it is around here (my kids are generally well-behaved), from time to time we MELT WAY THE HELL DOWN!

I guess it just takes time to build a relationship based on the realities of our lifes…kids, dogs and all.

single parenting, baseball, meltdown, fighting with children, relationships, healthy parenting, dogs

I was reading a website that promotes a book on people who are abandoned. It goes into why we get into these patterns and offers seminars on how to wake up and get over it. One interesting point they made was that those were are stuck in this vicious cycle need to STOP following their gut. They said:

I found that interesting because I have always been one to follow my feelings. I’m very intuitive by nature and I get by on most things by that gut feeling. On the other hand, I’m still feeling very betrayed by the father of my children and do find it difficult to commit to other relationships. It has me thinking that perhaps I’m what this site calls an “Abandophobic”.

Little bit of food for thought for all of us commitment phobic people, isn’t it?

abandoholic, commitment phobic, abandonophobic, social isolation, gut feelings, intuition, unattainable relationships, fear, relationships

If you are looking for a 100% free dating site, check out plentyoffish.com. You can use the email feature and forums ALL without paying a dime! A friend of who uses the site told me about it, so I signed in an account as well to check it out, and danged if it isn’t true that it’s ALL FREE!

Email from the owner of the site:

My name is Markus and I created plentyoffish.com because I was tired of seeing faceless corporations prey on people looking for love. Now a few years later Plentyoffish is the only major free site around and now happens to be the largest dating site in the english speaking world. Unlike paid dating sites, which have 500 to 800 employees whose jobs are to figure out how to get more of your money, this site is run by me myself and I. There are no employees.

This site is my pet project and runs far differently than a paid site.

1. If you are a jerk, are mean to other users, upload nude images, do not fill out your profile correctly etc you will be deleted and banned.

2. Over a million people use this site per day and I don’t type very fast so please don’t get mad if it takes a while to respond to your inquiries

3. Cut and paste messages are blocked, be original.

4. Paid sites go out of business if you find what you are looking for quickly. This is because they have to be able to pay for all that mass advertising on TV. For a free site like this to get big we have to give you exactly what you are looking for so we get big word of mouth going.

I have had emails sent to me even though I have minimal information up and no picture, so if you actually put up a “for real” profile and post a cute picture, I would imagine your opportunities would skyrocket!

Check it out and let me know how it goes!

plentyoffish, online dating, free dating site, dating profile, cute picture

Another article emailed to me from eHarmony

Even Wallflowers Bloom

There’s nothing more exhilarating than being asked out by someone you’re attracted to, but when you are being pursued by someone who just doesn’t do it for you the experience becomes an exercise in reluctant interactions, forced smiles, and finding a polite exit strategy. And if you are more of a “socially sensitive” type of person who has a hard time letting anyone down, it’s even worse.

The very thought of communicating rejection to someone else romantically for a socially sensitive person can sometimes bring about moderate to severe feelings of discomfort, and so they wait to have the “just-friends talk.” At best their fears of a bad outcome grow until exploding in self-fulfilling, passive-aggressive resentment, or at the very worst, they might even find themselves involved in a relationship that they never really wanted in the first place.

Fortunately, any guilt associated with expressing rejection to another can be minimized by exercising more assertive communication skills and being honest up front. Not only will you escape feeling like “the bad guy,” but you can avoid getting yourself wrapped up in situations you really don’t want to be in.

Saying “Thanks, but no thanks” nicely

If someone asks you out but you’re really not interested, the best policy is to politely decline immediately at first mention, but do so politely. While there will always be some level of disappointment for someone who is turned down for a date or romantic relationship, honesty from the start minimizes hurt feelings on both sides. The sooner a person is let down the less likely the other person will be seen as “leading” or “stringing” them along.

The kindest way to express disinterest is to simply state that you just don’t feel that spark of chemistry between you. There is no need to apologize, but do soften the blow by highlighting a great attribute about them or your last experience with them, such as “I really enjoyed our conversation the other night as well, but I just don’t feel that romantic spark.” If they press onward, keep it civil and repeat that you don’t feel chemistry between you.

Also, do keep it positive by not berating, making fun of, or pointing out obvious incompatibilities or discrepancies that might offend the other person, even in jest. Even though the very thought of being with this person on a romantic level may turn you off or make you laugh, exercise some compassion; try to put yourself in that person’s shoes. Imagine having interest in and approaching someone who you find attractive, but the interest is not reciprocated. It may have been a shot in the dark, but you took it, and now you’re getting shot down. How would you like to be treated? Direct but polite works best. Remember that turning someone down in a polite but direct manner is not as hurtful as leaving your interaction with them up for their hopeful interpretation.

If you are turning someone down in person, also pay attention to your nonverbal body cues so that you aren’t inadvertently sending mixed messages. Maintain eye contact and appear relaxed. Looking away frequently or maintaining tense body posture can very quickly transmit discomfort and put the other person off. On the other hand, you don’t want to transmit flirtation with your body while turning them down verbally, so even if you can sometimes be a high-touch person in conversation, keep physical contact to a minimum.

Politely asserting your disinterest toward someone else’s advances toward you may seem uncomfortable at first, but it is the best policy for all involved. The sooner you communicate that the spark just isn’t there, the sooner you can both move on to finding the right people whose advances will be more than welcome right from the start.

wallflower, romance, honestly, dating, conversation, physical touch, nonverbal communication

Received this email from eHarmony on LYING!!!

Liar, Liar—Is It Ever Okay?

By Chrissy A. ColemanWe’ve all heard the saying that “little white lies don’t hurt anybody” or its ever-popular variant, “What people don’t know can’t hurt them,” but when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing could be more untrue. There’s often a fine line between tact and raw truth, but to err on the side of lie is to choose fiction over fact and shortchange the bond you share with the one you love.

In the world of romance, there are two types of lies: those that are told to avoid the emergence of uncomfortable emotions in others that the liar could be held responsible for, and those wielded to manipulate others to get ahead or get away with something. In either case, the motivation to lie comes from a very self-centered place—a liar lies for himself or herself.

Even during those times when the issue seems small, when, for instance she may ask, “Honey, do I look fat in these pants?” and when he may furrow his brown and ask, “Is that a new pair of shoes?” there is an opportunity for the respondent to flat-out lie to save face, or to address the situation with truth, albeit tactfully.

By replying, “Those pants look okay, but you know what really makes you shine is this pair of pants over here…” and “Yes, they are new. I got them on sale—do you like them?” the pillar of trust remains intact and the lines of communication remain open for further discussion. Sure, there might be temporary uncomfortable emotions that arise in the moment, but they may signal bigger issues that need honest discussion. For instance, if your partner has packed on weight and is sensitive about it, what he or she is looking for is reassurance that you still find them attractive, and likewise, if someone is engaging in a little bit too much “retail therapy” at the detriment of a shared financial budget, boundaries and limits need to be established that will satisfy both partners. Burying these seemingly small issues contributes to a larger practice of making it okay to sidestep the truth in other areas down the road.

The Role of Good Counsel in Love
When we need guidance, we want the truth. Our closest friends are who we go to for advice and that is because they tell us the truth tempered with emotional comfort, but an even closer bond is shared with your partner.

In a healthy relationship a partner serves the role of a trusted sounding board and confidante who knows his or her partner on very intimate levels that are not shared with even the best of friends. This type of bond is forged with the kind of unconditional acceptance upon which most families are built. The truth may not always be pretty and may not always be painless to bring out into the light, but honesty is the cornerstone of these relationships. It facilitates the best communication possible between two partners in both good times and bad that will help them sail through the different stages and unexpected changes in their lives.

Dishonesty, on the other hand, serves as a weapon of separation in relationships. What liars do not realize is that dishonest behavior not only injects distance in their relationships, but it also puts distance between who they really are and who they are pretending to be. Over time, even the smallest of lies can generalize into larger ones, and at that point a liar may be unable to distinguish the real and usually selfish motivations from the blanket excuses that he or she uses to justify dishonest behavior. Statements like “I’m only lying to protect my partner,” or “She’d be really upset if she knew, so . . . ” are cop-outs that serve the liar more than their partner, and speaks to a general lack of respect for the other person.

In a healthy relationship, though, there are no lies and secrets that cannot be overcome when brought to the light. Guilt, shame and blame are the slow poisons to a relationship’s death. By getting these types of buried emotions out in open and truly working through them, a couple progresses through life together with a type of strength and unity that denial and rules-based boundaries about what can and cannot be talked about can never touch.

So in the end, whether you choose to employ honesty or dishonesty all depends on what you want for yourself and how you want to share your life with your partner. Temporary emotional comfort in a potentially volatile situation can seem desirable in the moment, but at the sake of the kind of solid long-term comfort that comes with one partner knowing that the other is always up front and honest with them, you may want to opt for tact, the whole truth, and nothing but love and respect.

honesty, dishonesty, lying, relationships, dating, tact, respect, boundaries

I have an account on a dating site where you have to be paid to send flirts or emails. I get plenty of flirts but very few emails. I decided to run a little experiment lately on a man who was sending me flirts.

He sent me one that said “Kiss” or some other thing. I emailed back and said Hi and some other small talk. He sent me a flirt that said “Hugs” and one other telling me I was cute. I emailed back and said “Um, do you talk or just taunt me with flirts??”. He finally emailed me back saying “I think the cat has got my tongue!”

Now men, if you really want to flirt with a woman, using the pre-scripted flirts provided by your dating site might be a good ice-breaker, but if she actually emails you back trying to get you to talk, please do so! The back and forth of no real communication happening just gets boring. If this man had been someone I was interested in getting to know due to his stellar profile and cute pix, he just shot it down by being non-communicative. (Is that a word?)

So that’s my advice for the day. COMMUNICATE! Even if it is just via email!

flirt, communication, online dating, dating site, dating profile