Dating with Children

I guess that I’m a little ahead of my time, having broken up with someone before the Holidays. According to yahoo, January is the time to set new resolutions, re-evaluate your priorities, and dump the bum on whom you’ve wasted your precious months in 2006.

Yahoo listed some links to songs for the separated HERE, and the titles are below:

Lost Cause - Beck
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
Ever Fallen in Love? - Buzzcocks
Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) - Eamon
Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) - Motley Crue
These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ - Nancy Sinatra
Since You’re Gone - The Cars
Love Stinks - The J. Geils Band

Of course they have missed THE very most important break up song, I WILL SURVIVE by Gloria Gaynor. I LOVE IT!

Yahoo also conducted a break up survey. The online survey was conducted by Yahoo! Personals in July 2006. Respondents were 18+ year-old visitors to Yahoo! Personals. In total, over 2,500 people from all across the United States took the 24-question survey. Here’s what they found out:

BREAKUP EXPERIENCES:
* THOUGHT ABOUT IT: In the past five years 56 percent had considered breaking up but did not.
* SHE DID IT TO ME: Slightly more women are breaking up with men than the other way around. 81 percent of women have broken up with someone in the past five years vs. 77 percent of men. (me here: This just proves the women have more cajones than men when it comes right down to the important stuff.)

Some other information gathered by yahoo break up studies:

READ THE SIGNS: BEFORE BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE…
* 62 percent are likely to avoid the other person.
* 40 percent would go online to check out their options.
* 38 percent would have a drink to loosen up.
* 31 percent would spend one last night of hurrah together.

AFTER BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE…
* 76 percent will immerse themselves in work.
* 73 percent will go online to check out other options.
* 50 percent will take themselves on a vacation.
* 37 percent will go out and have a few too many drinks.
* 23 percent will cut him/her out of all their photos.

GETTING BACK IN THE GAME:
* 42 percent of respondents would wait more than a month before dating again.
* Following a breakup 37 percent of respondents would search for their date online to get more information.
* 18-to-29-year-olds are more likely to play their favorite song on repeat than other daters to prepare for their first date after a breakup. (18 percent of 18-to-29-year-olds vs. 11 percent of total population). Older daters are more likely to do this than younger daters — 55 percent of 50+ daters would do this vs. just 22 percent of 18-to-29-year-old daters.

break up, break up music, Beck, Ben Folds Five, Bon Jovi, Buzzcocks, Eamon, James Blunt, Motley Crue, Nancy Sinatra, The Cars, J Geils Band, recovery, survey, relationships, dating

Did the holidays leave you a little light in the wallet? Are you strapped for cash after months of spending? Well - 451 Press is here to help. We are hosting a contest that could have you walking away with $500 in your pocket on February 1st.

451 Press Comment Contest
451 Press has launched several new sites recently and decided the best way to get people to check out the new writers is to host a comment contest. This will benefit all of the writers in our network, as well as the people who participate. We are calling out to anyone and everyone to stop by one of the sites on our network and leave a quality comment. Not a spam comment that simple gets you entered in the contest, but a comment that contributes to the conversation or adds commentary to the article. Every comment made on one of our sites between now and January 31st will be entered in a random drawing for prizes. Every comment you leave will be considered an entry, so there is no limit as long as you leave quality along with quantity.

We offer a wide variety of categories for you to view. We hope that there are several sites here that interest you. We also hope to launch 40 more before the end of the month, so check back regularly to find writers.

Prizes:
We will award six prizes to the six randomly chosen comments from this month. There will be one (1) $500 cash prize and five (5) $100 cash prizes. We will contact the winning commenters using the email address they enter with the comment. Comments made through January 31st will be entered in the contest and the winners will be announced on February 1st.

451 Press writers are not eligible to win this contest.

Comment on my sites: datingwithchildren.net and familytripdeals.net, as well as my friend’s site: watchingheroes.com !!

contest, make money, win cash

You Are a Total Player!

Congratulations, when it comes to the game of love, you’re a pro. Not only are you an expert player, you are a highly evolved one. For you, dating is like a game of chess - with a much happier ending. And you adeptly alter your moves, depending on who’s in the game.

I guess that I’m not sure what a player is! I have always considered it someone who has very little morals when it comes to dating. While I usually do not discuss the men I’m dating with the man I’m out with that evening, I also don’t hide the fact that I rarely date only one man at a time. If they ask, I tell. If we decide (together) that we are not seeing other people because we want to see where “this” goes, I don’t date other people either.

I think the quiz is flawed!!! I’m no bad girl!!

Cheers!

quiz, player, online quiz, dating, cheating

While it’s probably reasonably safe to assume that we are not married if we’re here, I think that marriage advice can serve us well in our relationships. The February Reader’s Digest has an article titled “The Love You Want, 7 Secrets to a Sexy Marriage” which actually has some pretty good info. Here’s a synopsis for any who may be interested. I personally thought it was pretty good stuff!

1. Build up your love balance.
First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements to outweigh the harm done by one negative one-or by a steely squint or impatient “humph”. So do more of the former, and less of the latter. It’s always the right time for small acts of love (Give him a “glad to see you” hug and kiss when you see him.)

2. Reach out
Support your soul mate. Keep your spouse’s secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don’t let anything interrupt “us” time. That’s what voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for. Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals, and dreams. Build your friendship (celebrate your love).

3. Remember-nobody’s perfect.
It’s tempting to blame your spouse when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your marriage. The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your spouse, magic happens. (Magic…I like that!)

4. Add some zing.
The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be “the one” to attract “the one”. Same goes in marriage. The happier you feel, the happier your marriage will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts.

5. Always fight fair.
Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any marriage. What’s important is how you handle it. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy. Happy couples avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes like “never” and “always”.

6. Pick the right time and place.
Don’t start potentially tough talks if you’re not well rested and well fed. Don’t ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you’ve got one eye on something else. You can’t reslove conflicts on the fly. When the kids are around, keep things respectful and productive.

7. Open your ears.
The single most powerful step you can take to keep a marriage solid? Speak less and listen more. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is that they’re saying.

For more info, go to rd.com/love.

Okay, who’s ready to get married now?!

Cheers!

marriage, relationships, strengthening marriage, marriage advice, dating advice, reader’s digest, the love you want

In spite of my personal beliefs that you can’t fall in love with someone without knowing each other in real life, I have to admit to totally crushing on a sexy man who lives about a bazillion miles from me. I find myself unsure as to what to do about it from time to time, because really…even if the feelings are the same (or stronger) in real life, what can we possibly do about it? We gonna work on rearranging the states or what?

Anyway, regardless of how stupid other people might perceive it, I haven’t been dating anyone else for quite some time and it is because of Mr. Bazillion. I decided to post a question, on a relationships and dating message board, regarding how others feel about entering into an exclusive relationship with someone they aren’t seeing in real life.

The Question, posted by me:

Have you ever become exclusive with someone with whom you only have an online/phone relationship? How did that work for ya?

The Answers:

from a 44 year old woman: One time, early on after my divorce. Then we met. It ended shortly thereafter. LOL IMHO, it doesn’t matter how many countless hours you spend on the phone, the first time you meet is the first time you meet and the meter starts all over anew from that point on. YIKES!

from a 42 year old woman: Yes, for many months. Then we met face to face and never talked to each other again.

from a 46 year old man: I would not commit to a fantasy. People can say and do anything here …….they can be anyone they want….

from a 44 year old woman: I haven’t. But there are some who have. The one who comes to mind is k***. She is gone now cuz she married him. And they decided to marry before they ever met!

29 year old woman: Ummm…never exclusive, except for with a guy (I didn’t meet online)but knew through a friend. I had met him before, but it had been 6 years? We started talking on the phone and had become exclusive because we wanted to give our all and see where it would go. He was moving to Boise for his sick Aunt (my friend) and then just wanted to move into my place… I found out real quick what a bum he was when he didn’t get a job, he had strike outs of violence etc. I ended it pretty quick. Though before he moved up I did think I loved him. When he was there, I fell in love with his daughter more than him. Funny how those things work out!

women, men, relationships, online dating, commitment, divorce, exclusive relationship, phone relationship, online relationship

The Orem Northridge Stake is sponsoring a class entitled “Gospel Perspectives on LDS Single Parent Issues” for interested single parents of all ages in the surrounding area. The next class will be held from Tuesday, January 9,2007 through April 10, 2007 from 7-8:45 p.m., in the chapel at the Orem Northridge Stake Center (1660 North 200 West, Orem, Utah). Students may begin the class at any time during the semester.

The purpose of this class is to strengthen the faith and testimony of the students and assist them in functioning more effectively in the many roles they carry as single parents, by reviewing the counsel of the general authorities and scriptures that can uplift and support them. The class will emphasize how the application of gospel principles can strengthen, ease the burdens of, and help single parents deal with their many concerns. This is not a parenting class, although parenting is one of the topics. It is a class for single parents, and deals with the whole range of roles they carry.

The class fee is minimal ($10.00 for registration and the reading packet is $5.00).

The instructor, Sister Cheryl Merrell, a widowed single parent herself, is well-grounded in the gospel, and keeps the class positive and gospel oriented. She has been teaching this class for the last ten and one-half years.

Cheryl Merrell, Orem, Utah, single parenting, parenting classes, LDS, Mormon, gospel, Northridge Stake

Cricket LaVigne is a 29-year-old single mom of two kids, ages 5 and 8. One night, when the kids were staying with grandma and grandpa, Cricket and a group of friends hit the local ale house. Wouldn’t you know they stumbled into a party for hockey fans?

So she spots a guy who doesn’t have the facial bruises, the crooked schnoz, the bad haircut known as the “hockey mullet.” They have a seat and talk for hours.

“We totally hit it off,” she says.

And yet, when the night closed, they parted. End of story.

He found out she has kids and was off like a goalie mask in a Stanley Cup brawl.

What a hockey puck, right?

“It happens,” says Cricket. “It’s a reality.”

She’s one of 19 million single parents nationwide, and she understands why some singles run from the family scene. Many young singles aren’t ready for rugrats. And older singles with grown children often aren’t looking to start over with child-rearing.

Cricket can handle the hang-ups, as long as dates let her know how they feel up front. Otherwise, they’re wasting her hard-earned free time.

Single mom Leisa Bishop (who says she just turned 27 for the 14th time) watches for winces when she mentions the mommy moniker on dates. Like Cricket, she believes her time is too precious to waste.

“To me, if I decide to date, I’m taking away something from my kids,” she says. Before she goes out, she has arranged for the kids to stay at an aunt’s house and has packed their clothes, cooked their dinner, and squeezed in a little quality time, just in case she doesn’t get home before bedtime.

Sounds like a lot to go through just to take a chance on a group that’s typically not keen on the Romper Room scene. Nevertheless, licensed clinical social worker Diane Hamilton says getting out is an absolute necessity for single parents.

“They really need adult time,” says Hamilton, who has run a single parenting support group for about 10 years. “Spending time with big people keeps them from depending on their children for companionship.”

That goes for single dads, too, who represent a growing portion of Hamilton’s group. Nationally, single fathers who head households have increased in number by more than 200 percent since 1970, according to 1997 U.S. Census Bureau statistics.

A friend who’s a single dad echoed the comments of single moms who say the dating pool for people with children seems more like a puddle.

Some of the never-been-married types, for example, can’t handle the fact that the kids are the first priority, my friend says. Or they feel too eager to slide into the roll of a full-functioning parent, with their own ideas for discipline.

“Those are the ones that scare the hell out of me,” he says.

And finding other single parents with time in their schedules is about as common as finding lightning-strike victims with winning lottery tickets.

And I thought it was tough out there without kids.

Single parents handle their own needs, plus the damands of children, and then take their chances in the singles scene. Dates should be flattered to earn the rare free time of single parents. But the moms and dads I talked to weren’t interested in force-feeding anyone the family scene.

They’re looking for a little honesty and a dash of sensitivity now and then. Oh, and a hint for those of you dating single parents: Help pay for the baby sitter — you’re the reason mom or dad is away.

By Tyler Gray
Special from The Orlando Sentinel
Copyright ©1999 Bergen Record Corp.

I was reading the message boards on the one dating site to which I subscribe, and an old boyfriend was bemoaning the fact that women with whom he becomes involved seem to want him to revisit his past and get to the bottom of it. His point was: Why should I have to revisit things long since forgiven and forgotten?

The reason I broke up with him, mind you, was because he did refuse to revisit his past and learn from it, so therefore I’d have become wife #7 and then ex-wife #7. That’s just the way it would have happened. I can only assume that this post was in part aimed at me, and while he won’t see this blog, I’d like to explain to those of you who may have the same question why we want you to dig a little deeper and figure out what the hell happened in your past relationships.

I firmly believe in the old cliché that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I also believe that there is a HUGE difference between a mistake and a pattern. This man has many wonderful qualities and was very good to me in many ways, but with 6 marriages under his belt (and a live-in or two as well), it would have been idiotic of me to not be cautious. To NOT try to probe into why exactly these marriages failed and just marry him without that knowledge would have made me a fool of the worst sort. He refused to tell me what the deal was, so the relationship was not going to go well. There must be openness and a willingness to communicate for things to work out in the long-term.

My darlings, keep in mind that your relationships don’t only affect yourself. I’m assuming that if you’re reading this little blurb that you have children. You are a big girl or boy and can handle whatever life throws at you, but your children shouldn’t have to deal with the weight of your mistakes if it’s possible to avoid them. I won’t marry until I’m convinced that my children are not going to be harmed by the union. I won’t marry someone I am not confident will willingly and ably fulfill the role of stepfather. I won’t risk another man leaving my children. I won’t allow their hearts to be broken one more time. I can handle it, but they shouldn’t have to.

If you are frustrated by someone wanting to know what went wrong with you resulting in patterns that have developed in your behavior (they may call these “red flags�?), be patient. A little introspection has never hurt anyone, so don’t be afraid to look at what has happened and how the turns of events have made you feel. Don’t be afraid to consider your own role in the demise of your marriage(s). Don’t be afraid of people who show a great concern for their children (and yours) by needing to be satisfied that your old cheatin’ ways have been overcome.

infidelity, frustration, relationships, parenting, multiple marriages, message boards, dating sites, red flags, patterns, children

As I sit here working on a letter for my local union at work (I’m the president…don’t feel free to throw rotten oranges at me), it occurs to me that marriage is getting back to the basics these days, not unlike contract negotiations. In fact, even in the most casual of relationships that I’ve entered in to, the man has a list of questions to which he wants the “right�? answer before he’ll consider pursuing things further. Some of the best questions (haha) I’ve been asked before a first date:

1. Will you show up at my work wearing only a trench coat and high heals and seduce me on my desk?

2. How long will it take us to get naked on this date?

3. How do you feel about oral sex, in or out of marriage?

4. If we were to get married, how often would you put out?

5. If we get married, will you be willing to initiate sex the majority of the time?

6. Will you watch pornography with me?

7. How do you sound when you get off?

8. What will you do to get rid of the kids so we can get busy at any given time of the day?

9. Will you take it in the butt?

The list goes on, but are you sensing a recurring theme here? The relationship contract negotiations always have to do with sex! Am I the only one who was not particularly traumatized by the physical part of my marriage? I assume that if I love someone enough to marry them that there will be that crazy physical chemistry that makes me want to be all over them all the time. Is that not enough? Do we really have to have rules governing what we can and cannot do in the bedroom (or whatever room suits your fancy)? Geeze! Ease up! Go with the flow! Enjoy the ride! (Insert other clichés here as appropriate)

How about we worry if we have compatible ideas about money, about where we will live, about whether we are going to have more children, about household duties, about who will work and if one of us will stay home with the kids, about whether we actually even want to go out on a first date anyway? Yep, I said it. Sex is completely important in a relationship, but don’t you think that a healthy and fun physical relationship will follow if you really love a person and feel great chemistry with them?

Cheers!

sex, relationships, dating, marriage, negotiations, union, oral sex, bedroom, pornography, contracts

I was looking at singleparentmeet.com back in the dating heyday (meaning I was seriously looking for dates rather than using a more relaxed approach), and I really liked that there was a site where you knew that everyone was a parent. I think that sometimes the likelihood of meeting a good match lies in both of us being parents. If a man has no children, or honestly even if he just has one, I wonder how impossible it would be to step into my life of four children, sports, homework, and basically not having the relationship be all about him. My children are begging me for a stepfather, but having one who is not a parent himself would, I feel, not be what’s best for them.

Single men with no children, feel free to argue!

Here are some success stories from singleparentmeet.com

I love this site!! It’s so easy to use!! I’m not so shy anymore! (Phoenix, AZ)

I’ve met a great match!! Wish us luck!!! Thank you for making it so simple! (Raleigh, NC)

After only using your site for a few hours, I was able to find the answer to all my prayers. (Falls Church, VA)

Check it out and let me know how it works for you!

Cheers!

single parenting, online dating, singleparentmeet.com

I have found, since I became single, that I’ve become more introspective. Probably trying to figure out where I went wrong and what is wrong with me that I could be in the situation of raising four kids on my own. One thing I’ve been a wee bit obsessed about is taking personality tests. On the dating site to which I subscribe, The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, Ph.D.

It pretty much just classifies each person into a color, red, yellow, white or blue. The results of the test will just tell you what color you are, so below I’ve included further information on each of the colors.

Find Out About YouBefore you read your profile results and begin to learn how The Color Code will help you relate to potential matches more effectively, there are five fundamental principles of The Color Code that you need to understand.

The Color Code is Motive-basedYou need to know that The Color Code works and is the best tool on the market today, because it is based on human motivations (why you do what you do) rather than on human behaviors (what you do). Behavior (for example, the way you act in a chat room or on a date) can be imitated, copied, or faked, but if you know the true motivation behind the behavior (what is driving the person to behave as they do), you already have a very clear picture of what that person is all about.

You only have one Core Motive or “Color Code”Your personality type is driven by only ONE of four Core Motives, represented by the colors:
· RED (Core Motive = Power, or the ability to move from “a” to “b” as efficiently as possible)
· BLUE (Core Motive = Intimacy, this doesn’t mean sex, but the need to connect, share feelings, and build relationships with others)
· WHITE (Core Motive = Peace, or calm even in the midst of conflict; clarity in the midst of confusion)
· YELLOW (Core Motive = Fun, or always enjoying the moment)
These are the four basic personality types that I will teach you about. However, very few people have ever scored 100% in one single color while taking the profile; therefore, you will find that your Core Color is often influenced by traces of the other colors. That is why no two WHITES, although driven by the same Core Motive of Peace, will ever be exactly alike.

Your Color was present at birth and you cannot change itYou were born with your core personality color intact (ask any woman who has given birth to more than one child and she’ll tell you that her children had different personalities before they had drawn their first breath), and while parts of your personality do change over time (for example, you may have not been born a good listener, but you have learned to become one), you cannot and should not try to discard your Core Color in an attempt to trade it for another. If you were born a YELLOW, you will die a YELLOW, but you can add to yourself any strength or any limitation of any color to your core self.

All Colors are of equal importanceNo personality type is better than another. Each brings equally valuable, albeit, different gifts to the world.

All Colors are neither good nor badNo personality type is innately good or bad. Many people who do not know The Color Code may assume that all BLUES must be good and all REDS must be bad, for example. This couldn’t be more false. The colors are neutral and individuals are free to choose how they will use their strengths and limitations to leave either a positive or a negative legacy in life.

Turn-ons

Top 5 BLUE Turn-Ons:
1. Being sincere and genuine
2. Appreciating and understanding them
3. Being thoughtful
4. Expressing interest in personal details
5. Behaving appropriately and being well mannered

Top 5 WHITE Turn-Ons:
1. Accepting (and supporting) their individuality
2. Being kind
3. Creating an informal, relaxed atmosphere
4. Being patient and gentle
5. Introducing options and ideas for your interactions

Top 5 YELLOW Turn-Ons:
1. Being flirtatious
2. Offering praise and adoration
3. Reinforcing interest with physical contact
4. Promoting creative and fun activities with them
5. Accepting some playful teasing, joking, “comic relief”

Top 5 RED Turn-Ons:
1. Being competent
2. Demanding attention and respect from them and others
3. Being direct, brief, and specific
4. Presenting issues logically
5. Supporting their leadership instincts

Turn-offs

Top 5 BLUE Turn-Offs:
1. Being non-committal
2. Becoming emotionally unavailable or dismissive
3. Demanding spontaneity
4. Promoting too much change
5. Abandoning them / Being disloyal

Top 5 WHITE Turn-Offs:
1. Forcing confrontation
2. Being cruel or insensitive
3. Being domineering or too intense
4. Forcing immediate verbal expression
5. Demanding leadership

Top 5 YELLOW Turn-Offs:
1. Ignoring them
2. Controlling their schedules / Consuming their time
3. Being too serious or sober in criticism
4. Being unforgiving
5. Expecting them to dwell on problems

Top 5 RED Turn-Offs:
1. Embarrassing them in front of others
2. Arguing from an emotional perspective
3. Being slow and indecisive
4. Taking their arguments personally
5. Waiting for them to solicit your opinion

As a blue, I have a lot more information regarding myself, but will spare you the details. If you turn out to be a blue, feel free to contact me here and I will email you everything you ever wanted to know about yourself! Whether these actually help me in my dating and parenting experience I can’t be sure, but they do cause me to hesitate and think about where I may have gone wrong in previous relationships.

Cheers!

personality test, dating, relationships, parenting, color code, hartman, strengths, weaknesses