Dating with Children

If you are going to pursue the internet dating option, it is essential to have a photo posted. I used to post very clear photos of my face (and still do from time-to-time), but I found that the picture that attracts the most attention is one that is a little more mysterious. As you can see, it shows my smile, shows that I’m not morbidly overweight, and my nose but very little else. I was out on the playground with my Computer Literacy students some time back teaching them how to use digital cameras, and while I was looking down unwrapping a cough drop and smiling at something one of them had said, another student snapped it. The wind was coming from behind making my hair wild. I called the photo “Cousin It” because really I’m all hair here. (note: I don’t use this picture anymore because I got my hair cut off and I think it’s important to show yourself as you are NOW, not how you were a year ago)

My point is this: It’s not a bad thing to have a little mystery in your photos. Generally, someone will write and want to know more about this intriguing looking babe he can’t quite see. Have fun with color, black and white, light tricks, and the rest. Make sure you have a more “real” photo in reserve, though, because at some point Mr. Hunk is going to want to know exactly what you look like. This is just your conversation starter!

online dating, photographs on dating profiles, Cousin It

Science seems to think so!

“Some men know older women make beautiful lovers, and apparently, scientists say, male chimps feel the same way.

“In contrast to humans, chimpanzee males prefer older, not younger, females,” concludes a study out today in the journal Current Biology.

In chimp society, The Golden Girls, not Baywatch, would be hot stuff.”

Read entire article HERE.

I have found that dating over 30 is a lot of fun, and have found no shortage of dates when I’m motivated to go out with someone. While there are still the head-games and now, additionally, children to deal with, it still seems easier at this age than in my early 20s!

Now go out and date!

USA Today, The Golden Girls, Baywatch, older women, dating

We all hear how chocolate is a substitute for sex and even love. Well now it has also been found to have some health benefits!

I’m so relieved…Since it doesn’t appear love or any reasonable version of it is passing my way today…

See the entire article at cnn.com HERE!

love, sex, chocolate, health benefits, CNN

I was discussing some things with my ecclesiastical leader yesterday after church, and one thing that he told me really stuck out in my mind: Like attracts like. In other words, be who you want to be.

That is my advice today: If you want a thin and fit person as a partner, get thin and fit yourself. If you want him or her to be a spiritual giant, that is what you have to be. If you want him or her to be well-kept and attractive, become so yourself.

During the last year I have worked a lot on things spiritual in particular. I want a man who will be a spiritual leader in my home, yes, but if I’m not at all spiritual and seeking guidance, would that kind of man want me? I’m thinking not!

So just for now, instead of focusing so hard on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, how about we work on becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right?

As Bruce learned in Bruce Almighty, BE THE MIRACLE!

Noah: You’re bored! You’re bored and you know it! You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t somethin’ missing.

Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch!

Noah: Would you just stay with me?

Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we are already fighting.

Noah: Well that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings, Allie. They have like a two second rebound rate and you’re back to doing the next pain in the ass thing.

Allie: So what.

Noah: So it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.

The Notebook (movie), based on the book by Nicholas Sparks

That last line always gets to me. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. We’ll have to work at this every day.

Sigh. I don’t disagree, but who has the energy for that?

The Notebook, Noah and Allie , Nicholas Sparks

A friend said to me today:

My kids usually become involved in my dating, simply because we are so busy that when I am dating someone a little more regularly, it just becomes natural to include them in the family activities. I do, however, monitor my children’s reactions so that we are all on the same page in the relationship.

I honestly hadn’t really thought of it that way. As you may have gathered in prior posts, I have been adamantly opposed to children being involved in any way, shape or form unless I’m fairly sure a relationship is going to lead to marriage or something like it, but this friend is comfortable, as are her children, in having a man tag along for these real-life activities. In spite of myself, I have to admit that this makes sense and gives everyone a more realistic idea of what the relationship would be like should it grow more serious.

My children have been allowed to regularly interact with one man I have dated in the last three years. Tonight I’ve been second-guessing myself a little bit. I know that as they grow older my kids will of course be more aware that I date. Should these men be the great unknown? Obviously they don’t need to meet every Tom, Dick or Harry, but is it possible that when I’m dating someone regularly, even if it isn’t the six-month (or more) minimum requirement I generally impose, is it okay for “him” to come to kids’ sports, have pizza with us, and join in on movie night?

After all, I am very much a package deal. No one will be able to be with me and not be with my children just as much. Should I allow that side of me to show at an earlier junction? My children very much want me to marry again at some point, so will they expect that every boyfriend will be their future stepdad? Is there someway I can tone down their emotions regarding these men? As of tonight I have not been able to think of a way to explain to them: “Don’t get too attached…He’ll likely be history in a month or two�??

Knowing my kids as I do, they probably would be a little too emotional over the men I date if I let them spend too much time with someone I know I’m probably not going to marry. I guess that my friend’s children are very different from mine, and that while she is able to let men in to her family activities, I probably can’t at this point.

It’s important to analyze from time to time, however, because I would imagine that as my kids grow older and more mature, they will be able to hand such situations as well. It’s also important that I concede that the way I deal with my kids while dating and my protective methods may not work for everyone. Darn, that was hard to admit!

Here’s to it!

dating with children, parenting, single parenting, serious dating, relationships

Intelligent Dating 101: What is a Date?

By Dana Peach

Forget all those miserable ideas you have about “The Date.” Instead, learn to view dates as useful social tools for finding the best companions for you.

Keep the following definitions and principles in mind so dating can become a mild pleasure instead of the butt of anxious jokes.

Stick with This Simple, Functional Definition

date n 1: An agreement between two people to meet at a designated time and place to exchange personal information and share some kind of pleasurable experience.

That’s it. If you value your sanity, don’t make any more out of it than that.

Follow These 5 Basic Premises

1. Single Adults Are Entitled to Date
2. You’re Entitled to Freedom of Choice
3. Dating Is Not Monogamy
4. Substance Is Paramount, Form Insignificant
5. The Only Decision Is Whether to Do It Again

The 5 Premises of Dating

1. Single Adults Are Entitled to Date
Wanting a partner is not a character flaw. It is part of nature’s plan for interested, unmarried adults to search for suitable partners. No matter what your age or social circumstance, you don’t have to apologize for actively looking for the absolutely best partner for you.

2. You’re Entitled to Freedom of Choice
The right to choose–or not to choose–to be with someone must be preserved at all levels of dating. At any point, everyone must be granted the option to say “I don’t want to get any closer with you now.” Blaming yourself or others for exercising this choice, to which we are all entitled, is a dysfunctional dating attitude which leads to bitter disappointments.

3. Dating Is Not Monogamy
By definition, dating is something you do before making binding choices or exclusive commitments. Logically, this means that dating involves choices (note plural).

In fact, dating is largely about creating and managing choices. You and the other single adults are allowed to date all you want, and as many people as you want, until that mutually binding, exclusive commitment is made. After all, if you don’t have options, you do not have a choice. Please note that mutuality is required for this commitment.

4. Substance Is Paramount, Form Insignificant
No amount of cosmetic dating will get the job done any better than a good conversation will. An exchange of personal information, at a gradually deepening level of intimacy, and the sharing of some sort of pleasure are the critical elements of a date. This conversation can take place face to face, in an email, in a private chatroom, on a park bench, or in an elegant restaurant…same effect.

The emphasis on form over substance in dating is one of the things that makes this important social interaction seem like a shallow, trivial game that only rich and beautiful people can play, instead of the useful and sometimes profound social opportunity it should be. Honest to god relating is the only thing that will work.

5. The Only Decision Is Whether to Do It Again
Never try to make a weightier decision than this on any specific date. Dating is for social exploration, opening up to new alternatives, not shutting them down as fast as possible in order to avoid our peculiar postmodern affliction: Choice Anxiety.

Choice Anxiety is an internal impatience to force a relationship decision before the basis of resolution exists. Just because you wish everything was all arranged in your life, that doesn’t mean you should foreclose all your options before you really know someone well enough to commit your life to them.

The Bottom Line
If you want to maximize your possibilities for finding the best relationship in your life, keep these radical common sense principles in the forefront of your mind at all times. And…you could actually have some fun!

dating, definition of dating, relationships, pleasure, principles of dating, Dana Peach

It was recently brought to my attention that schoolteachers, such as yours truly, are generally perceived as control freaks. I know that we all live in dread of being saddled with a controlling personality. One of the worse things ever, right?

Teachers are seen as controlling because we are so accustomed to being in charge. We are God in our classrooms and everyone has to do as we say (or so we think). We have very little supervision from “Big Brother�?, in general, and are pretty much trusted to do things correctly (this is why we think we’re always right).

I’m sure that there are other professions that are seen as red flags to various people. Personally, I have a difficult time with engineers. Why does it seem like I date so many of them?? Do we tend to go back again and again to the person with whom we had children with in the first place even though it didn’t work out? Or do we try to go to the opposite spectrum, and if we do, does that work out any better?

I think that right at first, in dating, I tried to get as far from my ex as possible. Unfortunately, I didn’t fully appreciate that superficially different did not equal any other kind of difference. My ex is short and a computer geek and gaming geek, so I figured tall and any profession other than one to do with computers and any hobby other than one to do with gaming would be it.

Not so! The computers and the gaming and the height hardly made up who this man was. While he was not an engineer, he had some of the qualities that I have seen in the engineers I have dated (note: I am great friends with some engineers as well, so please don’t think I’m bashing in general, okies? Thanks!). Various qualities that have jumped out at me from various engineering types I have dated have been: Lack of concern for my feelings, lack of understanding of human nature (frustrating to me since I’ve been trained in education and psychology), argumentative, saying black is white when it’s clearly black, pretending they don’t understand exactly what someone means just so they can argue their point some more, etc…

Was my ex an engineer? Nope! Did he have these qualities that I can’t tolerate yet seem to keep finding in the men I date? Yep!

I think the key is to actually make a physical list of qualities that you simply can’t tolerate or habits that make you crazy. If you are allergic to cats, would you marry the crazy cat lady? If you can’t tolerate drinking and smoking, would you marry party central? You might, but it’d drive you a little bonkers, wouldn’t it! Once you have made that list, take an honest look at the people you’ve dated. Do they have some or all of these qualities? Unless you’re incredibly self-aware, I’d imagine they do. I think we tend to want to fix people.

Darlings, DUMP the people who drive you nuts and work on finding someone with whom a relationship is not so difficult! You can do it! It doesn’t always have to be such a struggle! Sometimes relationships can just be…NICE! (and what a great example to set for your children!)

PS: I still want someone tall.

relationships, dating, patterns in dating, partners, computers, gaming, engineers, teachers, education, psychology, control freaks

The last time I had a really bad breakup was in September of 2004. I played Scruffy the Cat’s You Dirty Rat at full blast over and over again. If you want an angry song that is sung by someone other than Alanis Morisette (really great musician as well), you can listen to it here! The lyrics follow.

You Dirty Rat

You never write, you never call
You just stand around and smile so happily
The government could never do
As worse a things as you have done to me

Well I should cry, but I’ve done too much already
I can’t lie, cuz you’re better at that than I’ll every be
And it won’t take us back to you and me
Being all in love
You call me names, and you’re never home
And all I got ta show is a kissin jones
You talk too much, but not to me
Cuz too much of this love I’ll never see

Well I should cry, but I’ve done too much already
I can’t lie, cuz you’re better at that than I’ll every be
And it won’t take us back to you and me
Being all in love

You dirty rat, you broke my heart
I can’t believe it went this far
Turn out the heat, blow out the spark
Oh…
Now I gotta say before it all gets said
I look alive but I feel dead
And as for us are we still good friends?
Oh, no, no…

Well I should cry, but I’ve done too much already
I can’t lie, cuz you’re better at that than I’ll every be
And it won’t take us back to you and me
Being all in love

You dirty rat, and I gotta say
You sure know how to wreck my day
Turn off the sun and walk away
Oh…
But now I just what to find
And who is who this next in line
And as for us, is there still time?
Oh, no, no, no…

Scruffy the Cat, You Dirty Rat, breakup, angry music, Alanis Morisette

I have not been well for the last day of so, so it may be the fever talking, but online dating has one major flaw (well more than one, I’m sure, but one that is really torking me off tonight): You see this cute picture and decide to read the profile, you read the profile and like what it says, you send a little flirt or a charming email to see if ya still got it, you do, so you start corresponding regularly.

The more you correspond with this person, the more you like them. You think that possibly a date would be a good idea to see if the aforementioned pheromones are there. Then you get on mapquest and realize that they are on the other side of the flippin universe, or might as well for all practical purposes.

That, my friends, is not fun. I think that one answer to this is that the dating sites should let you “hide�? profiles that are a certain distance from you. Or profiles that are out of your state. Or profiles that have this or that criteria that you just can’t live with. If the profiles are hidden, then the temptation to track down that hunk or babe who lives approximately 8 billion states away will be taken out of the picture.

Simple! I should be the one making the rules!! Either that or you geniuses out there start inventing the technology like molecular transportation or rearrangement of states!

online dating, flaws of online dating, mapquest, long distance dating, molecular transportation

A few years ago I met a great friend who lives about an hour from me. While we remain wonderful friends to this day, there has never been any perceptible spark between us. Tonight we were pondering that while talking on the phone. We came to the conclusion that we both think the other person is very attractive, we have incredible respect for each others’ intelligence, we belong to the same faith, we have common ideas about health, we make each other laugh like crazy, but we have never felt that chemistry toward each other that we want to have with the person we eventually marry.

Isn’t that weird? How is it that everything else can be so right on, but that “I gotta rip your clothes off�? passion isn’t there with it? I could understand it better if one of us thought the other person was unattractive, but that isn’t it.

I use the word chemistry to describe it because I think that is what it has to be…Some physical reaction to the pheromones the other person creates that makes us heave with desire. Is it not only that mutual respect and admiration and connecting of spirits, but also something so scientific? Pondering this particular friendship has made me think that indeed, it is.

pheromones, chemistry, physical attraction, love, lust, relationships, passion, spiritual connection

Is caring for children so much different than nurturing a relationship?

Today a man asked me what he is supposed to do when he comes home and his woman is crying. Does he ignore it? Does he try to entice her into the horizontal tango to take her mind off her troubles? Does he clean house? Does he solve her problems?

The answer, my manly men, is none of the above. Let me explain.

After that question was posed to me, I got to thinking about my older daughter. She came home from her dad’s house last night in quite the tizzy. I believe it was mainly due to missing me so much (it hurts her to be gone from me for more than a few hours) and lack of sleep (she had been at a slumber party Friday night). She had a meltdown when we decided to watch Star Wars II instead of Ice Age or Finding Nemo. She wanted her momma but refused to be in the same room that Star Wars was playing.

Guess what worked to calm her down and make her love life again? I didn’t try to rationalize why we were watching Star Wars rather than the other movies. I didn’t coddle her or patronize her. I didn’t explain anything. I didn’t ask her repeatedly what was really wrong.

I took her to my room where it was quiet and we cuddled on my pillows for a bit while her tears subsided. She then talked about the things that were on her mind. I lent a sympathetic ear, but I didn’t try to talk her out of her feelings or fix anything. All I did was listen and say “Uh huh�? every now and then and give her an extra hug occasionally as well.

I honestly believe, men, that if you approach an upset woman the same way I approached my daughter, you will have a much happier relationship. If we have argued with our mother, if we are dealing with a difficult teen, if we have gained ten pounds, if the man changing our oil was rude, do not try to fix it. Do not try to tell us to not be so upset. Do not ignore us to go scrub a toilet.

Do let us have our feelings. Do let us vent and cry. Do run interference with the kids so we can take the time we need to “get over it�?. Do not expect us to turn it off until we’re done getting it all out.

If you’ve handled it well enough, the rewards will likely be great!!

Star Wars II, Ice Age, Finding Nemo, relationships, dating, children, parenting, sex

I just wanted to say, because I can, that I stand in awe of the men and women who serve our country. My grandfather, who lives very close to me, is a Pearl Harbor survivor. My dad, at 17, volunteered for a tour in Vietnam. When that tour was over, he volunteered for another. My children are very close to both of these men and have such a great example of what heroes are right before them.

That’s all I can say: I stand in awe. Thank you very much to all of you who serve in your various capacities.

Veteran’s Day, military, Pearl Harbor, Vietnam War, USA

While considering the hunting partner as a serious dating partner, I got to thinking about the religious aspect of of that relationship. Is it important to share a common belief with someone? What if you are Catholic and your partner is Protestant? What if you are Mormon and your partner is Buddhist? Does it really matter?

I am a Christian of some particular kind, as it has probably been determined before, and my ex-husband was an atheist. Don’t even ask me how that happened. It did cause some problems in our marriage. I was opposed to pornography in our home and he thought it was healthy. I was opposed to heavy drinking and he loved to drink. Those are just habits, however. What I found to be the main problem was raising the kids.

I have always taken my kids to church every Sunday. Unless we’re traveling, that is just what we do. While my ex didn’t make too many waves in that arena, I off and on thought about how nice it would be to be a ‘whole’ family at church. To have him there to hold hands with and help with the kids, especially when they were very young. Someone who didn’t contradict everything spiritual that I was trying to teach the kids, and one who would not teach them that there was nothing beyond this life and no spiritual guide of any kind.

My hunting partner is also a Christian, but of a very different denomination than mine. Of course the core values are similar in some respects, but other basic beliefs are very different. Would he come to my church? Would I go to his? Both of us are comfortable in the beliefs that we are learning in our respective religions. It was determined a long time ago, when we first met, that if we were to get serious and consider marriage that one of us would have to change religions. But who?

I think that in dating and trying to raise children in the religion with which you are most comfortable, it is probably much easier just to date in your own faith. It gives a common goal toward eternity and it causes far less confusion for the children. Granted, this is not always easy. I know that I am the only single person within 60 miles of me who is of my faith, but in the long run and for the sake of my kids, I think I’ll try to date those whose beliefs coincide with mine.

dating, dating and religion, religious beliefs, Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, Buddhist, church, Christian, dating with children, marriage, pornography

Skip this one if you’re opposed to religion or Christianity, but I found this quite interesting. No one seems to know who wrote it, so sorry that I have to say: Author Unknown. Please leave a comment if you know who did write it!

LOVE

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone
to have a deep soul relationship with another
to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian says:
“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled
and content with being loved by Me alone –
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me –
with having an intensely personal and unique
relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
will you be capable of the perfect human
relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another,
until you are united with Me –
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
stop wishing,
and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing –
one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things –
keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That’s all.
“Don’t be anxious.
Don’t worry.
Don’t look around at the things others
have gotten or that I have given them.
Don’t look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
or you’ll miss what I want to show you.

“And then, when you’re ready,
I’ll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you’re ready and
until the one I have for you is ready,
until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
and the life I prepared for you,
you won’t be able to experience the love that
exemplifies your relationship with Me,
and this is the perfect love.

“And dear one,
I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture
of your relationship with Me,
and to enjoy materially and concretely
the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe it and be satisfied.”

author unknown

Christianity, God, love, relationships, unconditional love, prepare for love