Dating with Children

As I was pondering shopping for the approaching Holidays, I remembered a Valentine’s Day gift that I ordered for a new boyfriend awhile back. Personalized M&Ms. Can it get any more cute than that? (Of course the relationship ended before he could receive the gift and my girlfriends and I ate them instead, but that is another story!) If you are interested, visit the M&M site HERE to order. You can chose your colors and a brief message. What a sweet gift!

Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Personalized M&Ms, shopping, chocolate

At some point it will become necessary to introduce your man (forgive the gender bias, but hey! I’m a girl!) to your children. It’s a difficult thing for many parents to do because we don’t want our children to get too attached or to get their hopes up that this is going to be someone in their lives for the long-haul. How to deal with this?

I would recommend not introducing someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend right from the start. Introduce them to them as a “friend�. Hopefully that is true! Make sure that you do not assign parental duties to your new friend at all during this process. It is important to keep these first meetings low-key. Some ideas might be a trip to the park, swimming, a picnic or even McDonald’s Playland. There doesn’t need to be excessive physical affection between mom and her friend either, people. You can have your smooch-time once the kiddies are in bed!

As the children and the boyfriend grow more comfortable with each other, perhaps movie nights at the house or dinner would be appropriate. Unless the relationship is very serious, I wouldn’t make these visits an every day occurrence. Once or twice a week should be plenty so the children have time to adapt to having this person around their mother and in their space. Again, avoid encouraging your boyfriend take parental roles such as that of disciplinarian. Do encourage your children to be respectful simply because Mr. Perfect is “a good family friend, and we treat our friends nicely.� Of course, make sure that this man is good to your children as well. If not, dump him like a hot tater, mmmkay?

As the relationship progresses between you and your man, your children will be used to the idea of this “friend� being in their lives. Should it develop to the point of engagement and marriage, it will seem like a natural progression to them. It’s a great example to set for them if they see you acting as friends first as well, and it will be easier for them to accept this person who has been a friend to them as well as a stepparent.

Children are very adaptable. Don’t be afraid of them! If you chose good men to date (or good women should you happen to be a man), they will see that and will be happy with your choice!

boyfriend, girlfriend, dating with children, relationships, engagement, marriage, adapting to relationships

“I like to start my notes to you as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we’re the oldest and dearest friends–as opposed to what we actually are–people who don’t know each other’s names and met in a chat room where we both claimed we’d never been before. What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You’ve got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.”

~You’ve Got Mail

Wouldn’t it be grand to be in the beginning of such a heady romance? In the future you will wonder if it will feel the same in person. You will wonder if you will be comfortable with him, if the chemistry will be right, if your humor will be as easy. And if all of that is wonderful, you will then wonder if your families will get along, if your children will like each other, if your spending habits are similar, if your spiritual nature will mesh and a myriad of other questions.

But right there at the beginning it is so sweet. There is that rush of excitement every time you know that he has sent you email. It can even keep you up at night. Enjoy this time! Have fun! Plenty of time for worry and concern later!

You’ve Got Mail, Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, New York, friends, online meeting, online dating, family, children

This is taken from a singles conference workshop at my church. They were talking about how communication styles are different between the genders, as if we didn’t know that already, but I found it interesting anyway. Isn’t it a wonder any relationships ever work out??

A WOMAN: Enjoys conversation as a relationship strengthener.
A MAN : Engages in conversation to exchange information to complete a task.

A WOMAN: More often listens for the intent behind the words.
A MAN : More often listens for the content of the words.

A WOMAN: Intends to communicate emotions.
A MAN : Intends to communicate information.

A WOMAN: Tends to talk to think out loud.
A MAN : Tends to stop talking to figure out what he wants to say.

A WOMAN: Will talk openly about her problems with a trusted other to feel better or cool off.
A MAN : Will seek solitude (go to his “cave”) to feel better or cool off.

A WOMAN: Is often fulfilled through talking with others about the details of her problems.
A MAN : Is often fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem on his own.

A WOMAN: Seeks company when uncomfortable or in pain.
A MAN : Seeks solitude when uncomfortable or in pain.

A WOMAN: Finds that the most important part of her day-connecting in a relationship-actively begins when her mate comes home from work.
A MAN : Finds the most important part of his day-making a living-is over when he gets home and he wants to relax now that he’s home.

A WOMAN: Needs a measure of closeness in the relationship at the evenings.
A MAN : Needs to tune out when he comes home.

A WOMAN: Talks to create intimacy.
A MAN : Does things to create intimacy.

A WOMAN: In a disagreement wants understanding.
A MAN : In a disagreement wants peace.

A WOMAN: In a disagreement fights for the right to be upset.
A MAN : In a disagreement fights for the right to be free.

A WOMEN: Recieves unsolicited advice as a sign that the person she is speaking to is not listening to her feelings behind the words.
A MAN : Recieves unsolicited advice as a presumption that he doesnt know what to do or that he cant do it on his own.

A WOMAN: Under stress will seek immediate relief by expressing herself to be understood.
A MAN : Under stress will seek an immediate “fix” to the problem.

A WOMAN: Often vents stress by talking.
A MAN : Often vents stress by doing.

A WOMAN: Is more likely to give feedback by paraphrasing or restating.
A MAN : Is more likely to give feedback by grunting or saying, “Oh,” “Hmm,” “Uh huh,” or “Humph.”

A WOMAN: May perceive silence as a sign that she is being ignored.
A MAN : May receive silence as a sign that the other person is thinking.

communication, men and women, relationships

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

So why did I write this? Well, my significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me diamonds.

Good joke: The Hormone Hostage

jokes, women, pms, chocolate

While meeting various other singles, it has come to my attention that some women try to get Dad out of the lives of the children. They go to the extremes of having parental rights of the father stricken through the court systems by claiming abuse and various other wrongs against themselves and their children. Sometimes the moms are right in doing so, but I believe that sometimes they are not.

Two examples of this stand out in my mind most of all, though I have certainly heard of more. Both involved two daughters. Both mothers made allegations of abuse against their ex-husbands, meaning they said that there was physical, psychological and sexual abuse of themselves and their minor daughters.

In one case, I have come to believe that something, whether it was a physical type of abuse or not, almost certainly did happen. I wouldn’t bet my life on it, but I’d bet my next paycheck at least. In the other case, I’d bet my life that it did not happen. In the first instance, I’d say that the father was mentally ill (though he has since sought treatment) and the mother maybe have been justified in her extreme actions. After all, we’d do anything to keep our children safe, even keep their other parent out of their lives. In the second, the mother, I believe, was mentally ill (and in fact there are court documents stating that she is) and she couldn’t handle the girls being away from her and out of her control. She has since remarried, and one can only speculate on what has happened since then. The courts couldn’t risk the allegations of the mother being right, so the father’s rights were indeed stricken without any proof of abuse.

This might seem like an odd subject for me to get on a bandwagon about since I am one woman who truly does not like sharing her kids, but the fact is that whether I like it or not for me, I know it’s best for my kids to have a relationship with their dad. He may off and on be a putz, but right now he is working to be a good dad and that has to make the kids feel good. I wonder if the mother in the second scenario described above has any idea what she has done to her kids. I wonder what she told the girls when she was rationalizing why they no longer have a Daddy. I wonder how my friend survived losing his children, legally, even though he didn’t do a thing to them.

My friend who did nothing to have custody removed from him has had the situation impact his life in more ways than the horror of not being able to see his own children and knowing that another man is now “Daddy� to them. It has impacted his dating life greatly. After all, most women don’t know him as well as I do and have to look at the fact that whether they think he did it or not, he has been accused of abuse of women and children. In their minds, I’m sure it’s a concern. What if there is a chance, however small, that he really is what he has been accused of being? I’m sure she would be wondering in some part of her mind if she and her children are safe with him. Who can blame her? Like I said, we would do anything to protect our children.

I hope that mothers (and fathers in the same situation) will try to look beyond their own desires and wants and will keep their own personal anger out of what they do to their ex. While I’d have a lot of fun with it if serious physical harm came to my ex, I’d never do anything purposely to keep him away from our children. This includes falsely accusing him of hurting the kids when I know he hasn’t. Believe me, I do understand the anger and the not wanting to share the kids, but please keep in mind that the kids’ needs are more important than any issue we have with our exes.

Okies? Keep the peace, kids!

physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, false allegations of abuse, parenting, joint custody, parental rights

And revisiting shallow….Why are most men republicans? This picture says it all!

Enjoy!

As I have been sharing my children with their father for the last three years and one month, and as I have expressed before, it has occurred to me that it would have been easier, and possibly preferable, to have children with an anonymous donor rather than someone who is in and out of their lives, who begrudges child support, and who now wants the kids but only because he’s married and has someone to help him out when they’re there. Someone who, once he gets divorced again and is out in the dating world, will expect to have minimal contact with them so he can be out doing his own thing.

Of course this is just what’s easier for me. Maybe, for a child, it would be embarrassing to have come from a sperm catalogue. Maybe they would resent me for not providing them with a father as well, even if he is only part-time at best and interested in them only on his own terms. Maybe not having a father in the picture every other weekend would kill my social life and make it impossible for me to date because I’d feel guilty hiring a babysitter. Maybe a father, no matter how substandard, is preferable to no father. Maybe..Maybe..Maybe…

sperm donor, sperm catalogue, father, parenting, mother, dating, marriage, child support, visitation

Why is it that when I’m not looking for a date they are in rich supply, yet when I do need a date, everyone is either working or has their kids?

I have my work Christmas party this weekend. I went alone last year but don’t want to do that again this year! I guess that I am going to have to break out the heavy artillery and seek out Craig’s List like this adventuresome woman did:

I’m looking for a date to accompany me to a corporate Christmas party on December. I am an attractive and fit Latin brunette and It would be nice to meet someone fun, + 37, educated and preferably bilingual or well travelled. Who knows where it might lead… a date, fun, friendship, love. Let’s just see!

Okay, probably not. But what a brave woman! I bow to her!

As this is a long weekend without children, I decided to have a friend over to do some baking and use up some leftover food from Thanksgiving. I made the big dinner for my kids on Sunday, which they picked at (with the exception of the homemade rolls), so I have plenty of turkey to dream up creations with. Yesterday (Friday), we made turkey stew, more rolls, cinnamon rolls, banana bread and muffins and apple crisp. We now each have some food in the freezer to see us through the next week of work and kids’ after school snacks.

In all, it was a fun date. Baking alone doesn’t bother me, but having some grown-up conversation, not to mention someone to help chop fruit and vegetables, was nice as well. I don’t think dating has to be one astonishing romantic event after another. Why not just hang out together doing some real-life things every now and then? Most days are a series of events revolving around caring for a house and children. I suggest you see how you would get along in such circumstances before too much time has passed.

Get out there and life some real life adventures together!

dating, real life, children, after school snacks, baking, conversation

While I didn’t take a date to my mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner, I did decide to shake things up by going on a date Thanksgiving night. The man in question is someone I date once a month or so (I’ve never been accused of being a fast mover by anyone) and the date was rather comfortable. At his place in Helena, we watched a Thanksgiving special on the History Channel (I already won a game at my mom’s by giving the most accurate answers on the history of Thanksgiving so very little of it was news to me, but still fairly interesting) and then we watched the Iron Chef where the competitors had turkey as the ingredient in question. Predictable, but mildly entertaining nonetheless.

One of the nice things about dating someone you’ve been seeing for quite some time is that it is usually very comfortable. They know your story, you know theirs, and you can just kind of hang out. Silences are not uncomfortable. You don’t have to look your very best and if you want to wear flannel pants, a sweatshirt and no bra for this kind of a date, it’s all good. (er…not that I did that…that would just be tacky!)

While this kind of date might not sound incredibly exciting to some, it worked for me. I got to cuddle on a comfy couch in comfy clothes, nurse my cramps some more (sorry if that’s too much info!), got my mind off my kids not being with me, and got to make my family nervous all at the same time.

What more could I want? It was a good night.

dating, Thanksgiving, Iron Chef, History Channel, PMS, cramps, T.V.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the family and friends were on board with where you are in relation to your readiness to be dating?

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I could have brought a date to avoid the pitying glances of the various aunts, uncles and cousins, all of whom are married with children, but because of the lack of support from my mother, I had to come alone (dinner was at her house). She subscribes to Dr. Laura’s opinion that women who have children should forego dating and marriage until the kids are out of the house. My kids were with their dad and the bimbo, so I didn’t even have that distraction.

While everyone was playing 31, comfortably cuddled up to their spouse and children, I lay on the couch and nursed my cramps with a rice bag and dozed off and on for a couple of hours. Yup, I was seriously the life of the party! I just couldn’t be the lone partner in the card game. Too much to handle with pms to boot.

As I was inwardly whining about having not taken a date to Thanksgiving dinner, I realized that it could be worse. What if I was in no way ready to be dating and they were all pressuring me to do so? Yikes. That would not be pretty! I’m such a rebel without a clue that I would probably never date again just to make ‘em think.

So yes, it would be nice to have my mom (and some of my less supportive friends) on board with my decision to date regardless of having children at home, as it would be nice for those who are not ready to date to not be pressured into it by their friends and family. But I guess that is part of our challenge in this mortality: to make decisions for ourselves regardless of what those whose opinions mean much to us decide for us. We are our own agents.

Now get out there and date! Or not!

Thanksgiving, family, friends, supportive family, dating, dating with children, marriage, pressure

This product speaks for itself! You can buy one HERE for only $14.99! (I’d hide it from the kids, though…It might give them nightmares!)

Cheers!

Jill

By Lisa Daily

Stuck in the Snow

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Thanksgiving kicks off the annual relationship freeze which lasts through the New Year. Much like government wage freezes that leave DMV workers and other civil servants with salaries stuck in 1973, the annual dating freeze cements you for three months in whatever relationship situation you happen to be in on November 15. Singles and couples everywhere can feel mid-November bearing down on them like tax day.

What does it mean? Well, if you’re single and dateless, it means you’re probably going it alone for the next few months. Sure, you’ll have to endure 7 or 8 hours of pitying glances and “So, are you seeing anyone?� at the holiday gathering, but at least it’s less agonizing than your Aunt Leona grilling you in front of grandpa about your sex life, or the new hottie you met on the Internet last week.

And if you’re in a less-than-fab relationship, well, you’re pretty much stuck until the holidays are over. There will be office parties and family gatherings to attend, and somehow your plans will propel you frenetically through the season like a goldfish down the toilet bowl. If you start to feel like you’re not going to be able to go the distance, reality will whack you on the head and you’ll realize you don’t really want to be known as the heartless jerk who ruined Christmas. Just the image of your current steady blubbering into the yams is enough to make anybody hunker down and endure a few more weeks as a couple (however unpleasant they might be.) Fortunately, before you know it, the whirlwind will die down and you’ll be whooshed smack-dab into the middle of January.

If it’s the thought that counts, what the hell were you thinking?

Assuming you’re in a relationship, even a new one, some sort of gift exchange is generally expected. With a budding romance, however, things are a bit more complicated, especially for women.

Men are generally terrified of holiday-induced coupledom and freak out at any sign the woman is trying to use the holiday freeze as a chance to create permanent status. So, how do you pick a gift that says “I like you and I’m thoughtful� without sending the message “I know we just met last week, but I’ve already started sneaking tampons into your medicine cabinet�? The key here is to give your guy a gift that would be suitable to give your boss. Think music, (no John Tesh, please,) sports stuff, (NOT his-and-her memberships to a gym,) or a new tie. Whatever you do, don’t give your guy part one of a set of ANYTHING. Otherwise, you might not be around to see his birthday/your two-month anniversary/groundhog day. Worse still, you might wind up stuck with parts 2-7 of whatever you had in mind for your sadly transparent romantic installment plan.

Say you’re in a long-term relationship, and you’re just biding your time until January. Well, there’s nothing that says, “I can’t wait to dump you� like a crappy or impersonal gift. Women who are in it ‘till January will generally try to fake it and will give a gift that is not overly personal, but also not a clear indication of relationship doom. Men, however, frequently become affected by short-timer’s disease and end up giving reasonably-priced, gift-wrapped-in-the-shopping-bag, white-elephant-esque gifts that have been purchased at either the electronics store, or worse, the Gas-N-Go three blocks from your apartment.

A terrible gift has long been a sign of impending breakup. I’ve heard dozens of stories of three and four year relationships that ended bluntly following a bizarrely bad gift exchange. It wasn’t the gift that ended the relationship, it was merely a sign of things to come.

Of course, a bad gift doesn’t always have to mean your paramour is planning to dump you like last week’s spaghetti once January hits. It could just mean that your sweetie is madly in love with you, but has really horrific taste — and you can look forward to many, many years of individually-wrapped–in-cellophane roses, radio-controlled cars, sausage-of-the-month clubs and green plastic phones.

Hang in there kids, the thaw is coming soon.

© 2003 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.

dating, holidays, Lisa Daily, Holi-dating, Thanksgiving, Christmas

Now why didn’t I think of this? (Just kidding of course!)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” He says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, And she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently..

Up to 80. “I want the car, too,” he continues.

85 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!

Don’t mess with them!!