Dating with Children

How exhausting is Halloween?

I took my four kids out for trick or treating along with their friend in my lovely Dodge Stratus. I’m amazed that they were all able to squeeze in there…treats…costumes…snowy feet and all!

Where we live we have to drive to trick or treat. We started five miles out of town and made our way back, stopping at the houses where there were porch lights on (there were very few of these). We then went in to town and were able to hit about one house per block. The folks in this town come here to hide, not to give out candy, apparently!

The kids didn’t care. They were joyous that they got to be out running around in the snow after dark. They had a heck of a time and made a pretty good haul considering how few people were actually doing the treat thing.

Now everyone is tucked in and Mom is exhausted. How would it be to have been able to send the kids out with a boyfriend and his kids and just sit home handing out candy? Not that anyone could find my house in these woods, but still, you get my point. OR How would it have been to have a boyfriend along for the ride helping me get the kids, costumes and bags out of and back in to the car?

How would it be to have a boyfriend here now that all is quiet so we could rub each other’s shoulders and wind down from this long and stressful day?

I have to say that on a cold winter’s night like this one, it sounds pretty darned nice!

*Note: I’m not often such a sap, so drink it up while you can!

Halloween, Dodge Stratus, treats, costumes, snow, winter, trick or treat, boyfriend, girlfriend, massage

I’m traumatized.

I have had 37 years of perfect vision, perfect hearing, and other than getting a tonsillectomy, perfect health.

Recently I’ve been noticing that when I’m trying to type on my computer or when I’m writing out my lesson plans (which I do by hand), I can’t see very well. I find myself pulling back from the paper or the computer monitor to see clearly what’s going on.

I also find myself missing turns in the morning when I’m trying to find my road and driveway after dropping my son off for basketball practice at 6 a.m. It’s just too dark and I can’t see a darned thing, even with my lights on bright.

I thought that perhaps it was just a little eyestrain, so went to my local (local being a relative word since I live 65 miles from him) optometrist. The diagnosis?

“Nothing to worry about, Jill. You just have astigmatism along with being farsighted.”

Who cleared this old age stuff with me?? I don’t want it! He said that the good news was that the astigmatism (which causes nearsightedness) and the farsightedness kind of cancel each other out a little bit and my prescription is very mild.

If it’s so mild, why am I having such a hard time seeing? It will be interesting to see what happens when ye olde glasses come in the mail. I hope to be able to see, and I hope no one sees me in them. The vanity has not diminished with age, just the sight!

aging, vision, astigmatism, farsighted, glasses, parenting, vanity

The best thing to do at the end of a long day is to reconnect with my kids. I love to cuddle under a blanket with them on the couch as the snow falls outside. Oh yes, we have snow already! The last thing I do before hugs and kisses and tucking snuggly under their blankets at night is to have a family prayer with the kids. We take turns saying it every night (we go oldest to youngest), and after the last “Amen” I yell “GROUP!!!!” to which my angels respond “HUUUUUUUUUUG!!!!” I think that is just such fun and a happy and giggly way to get them in to bed.

It’s so important to end our days on a positive note. I love to tuck them in and kiss their little noses, cheeks and lips. I love to feel their little arms wrap around the back of my neck as they kiss me back and tell me how much they love me. I never knew that parenting could be so very very sweet!

Of course, I stay up for hours after they go to sleep to have my alone time or my grown up time, but that is another story!

bedtime, family prayer, parenting, bedtime routine

Here is a little story that I’m sure you’ve all heard, but it bears repeating:

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the Boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle,

“ME.”

As I was wandering around a craft show in Helena, Montana this weekend with a friend and my four children, I realized that there is one more reason to do this courtship-dating-getting married thing. Other than the sex, of course. There is one more person there to help keep track of the kids!

Daughter #2, who is eight, is very short and tiny and just tends to blend in with crowds. I have thought she was lost forever more times than I care to count! So there it is…If I get married, I will assign the husband to keep track of Daughter #2 when we’re out and I’d keep track of the rest!

Now if he also has small children, this issue is going to have to be revisited!!

marriage, remarriage, dating, dating with children, sex, reasons to marry, parenting

I just had the craziest reading experience of my life under “success stories” on a dating site to which I subscribe. Here it is, with names and locations deleted:

I just want to thank you for the opportunity for me to meet the most wonderful guy ever. We have currently been going out for three months. We are so in love with each other, although we have not currently met. We plan to in December (he is coming to *somewhere in the east* from *somewhere in the west*) for Christmas. Being able to bond and have a special connection is so important and makes a relationship easier. You really get to know someone before you meet them. Our bond is so strong and it will be hard to break. And when we meet it will become even stronger.

What? Huh? Why do I feel as if I’ve just stepped into a loony bin lined with funhouse mirrors? First of all, how does one “go out with” someone they’ve never met? Secondly, you are in love after three months of NOT dating?? Thirdly, What?? Huh??

Love is a matter of many things. Sure there is the intellectual and the spiritual, but dangit kids, there is also plain old homegrown lust! Chemistry! Physical attraction!!

Do you really think this woman will be so bonded and in love with this man if, when she meets him, she can’t stand the way his breath smells, he doesn’t regularly shower, he is a slob, he picks his nose, or any other many things that you can’t see over the phone?
I doubt it! I can only hope that she does not have kids that she’s brought into this! Can you imagine?? “Hey kids! We’re going to meet your future stepfather in December!!”

Agh!!

I got attached to a man once, and on our second meeting I went to his house. Do you know what I found? His four children, of whom he supposedly had custody, were nowhere to be seen! They were with their mom, permanently. So much for custody! Know what else I found? He lived in the basement of his parents’ home! I was staying with mom and dad! But seriously…The very worst part was the chemistry. Over the phone he had the smoothest voice I’d heard in ages. He talked the talk and spoke and speak and hubba hubba hubba. The problem hit me when we met in real life. His pictures were very flattering online. They also didn’t show the extra 50 or so pounds he was carrying around his middle. They also didn’t show that he clippered all the hair all over his entire body so that he was prickly as a porcupine and impossible to snuggle with! They also didn’t show that his breath reeked of something which shall remain nameless.

So my thoughts on getting attached before meeting? Um, no thank you. Not so much!!

dating, love, lust, dating success, physical attraction, chemistry

I was talking to the object of my lust tonight in a chatroom and accusing him (good-heartedly, of course) of blowing me off the last time I was in town. He said that he did NOT blow me off, but he had his kids (he has custody) and couldn’t find a sitter for them.

He said that his priorities are: 1) Kids and 2) Hot Chicks! (I guess I’m the “hot chick” of that particular conversation)

I so agree with that. I can’t stand it when I hear of kids being neglected, even a little bit, so the parents can go pursue endless dates and social activities. I might be a little bit on the protective side, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to get a sitter so I can go out and date. I wait until my ex has them and do my socializing then.

It does help, of course, that he does take them. I realize that not everyone has that luxury, and of course I’d get a sitter every other weekend or so to make time for dating or other grown-up playing. Happily, it’s not a choice I have to make!

Children of divorce tend to feel neglected and needy. It is our job as parents to help them to feel as wanted as possible. If I often put my priority on hot men, my children would feel second best, and that is just not something I can do to them. I parent, I work, and I parent some more. It’s a charmed life!

Who knew the object of my lust could have such insight. I might just have to talk to him again someday!

lust, divorce, neediness, parenting, dating, dating with children

I took the day off on Wednesday so I can go hunting for an elk. I have never hunted before in my life, but last year and this year I have been just itching to get out and provide for my family!

I wonder if this means that I’ve been single too long. Am I evolving to fit the man’s role as well?

After Wednesday, I’ll be able to not only provide financially, clean, cook, fish, garden and nurture, I will be able to provide red meat!

I am woman, hear me roar!!!

hunting, family, fatherhood, motherhood, provide

I had a rather colorful disagreement this morning with a friend of mine who is soon to be wed. She and her intended have set December 24 as the date to begin their lives in blissful harmony as husband and wife.

To this home of peace and love will be added her two children (of whom she has custody) and his three children (with whom he has visitation regularly). I asked this morning how the kids were adjusting to the idea of having stepparents and stepsiblings–a question which rather offended her. Not because I asked it, but because I used the prefix “step” in the question. She said that there are no stepparents and no stepbrothers/sisters, but rather simply parents and brothers and sisters.

I must admit to being rather perplexed about this suddenly becoming a mom phenomenon. I said that my children just had one dad and one mom, and even though their dad is now married and I will one day be married, this will never change. She said that I was holding my children back emotionally by using this line of thinking, and that they will be better off emotionally if they consider their stepparents actual parents. I said that possibly I could see where her line or reasoning was coming from if any of the parents involved had fled the scene or died, but they all have good relationships with their biological parents.

Since this is my blog and I can have any offensive opinion I care to have, let me spout off:

It takes more than marrying a man to become the mother of the children he has had with another woman. Of course it will take more than a man marrying me to become my children’s father. I can concede that the stepparents will love the children (and vice verse) and that there is the possibility of a good relationship between the kids and their parents’ respective spouses, but I think it’ll take a lot of years before children will view that person as a parent, if ever.

My dad married my mom when I was just shy of two years old. I don’t remember a time that he wasn’t with me. He was a great man and one of the greatest influences in my life. My own father had abandoned my brother and me when I was an infant and the man my mom married adopted us when I was about five years old. I don’t remember that specific day, but I do remember being very young and my mom telling me that I should call him “Dad”. I remember thinking “This isn’t quite right” but not knowing how to express the questions floating through my head. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to call him by his first name, but I knew (though I didn’t really know) that he wasn’t “Dad”. As a result, I wound up calling him “You” until I was about ten or twelve years old. Finally, after him being “Dad” for a very long time, I was able to give him the title. I didn’t feel like he was “mine” until I was in my mid-teens.

Mind you, my dad did not have any other children. He was a wonderful parent-figure for me. He has never hurt me, he was never verbally abusive, and he never did anything to make it seem that he was anything other than my “real” father. My biological father was never in the picture confusing the issue.

To me this is very telling about the psyches of children. They know things without even knowing how they know them. There was no way for me to know that my dad was anyone other than my dad, yet I did know. Now consider this in the context of stepparenting. Would you really encourage a child who has known this person you are about to marry a father? A mother? They may say the words to please you, but rest assured that they will not consider this other person a parent for many many years, if ever. It’s not that your choice in spouse is flawed; it’s just the nature of loyalty to biological parents.

Don’t even get me started on the “brothers and sisters”…

marriage, dating, divorce, step families, loyalty, biological parents, siblings, stepmom, stepdad

I desperately want to knock back some pms drugs and hit the sack!

I wonder how I managed to have a man around during this time of the month while I was married. Did all the sex just make me more mellow and better able to deal with the mood swings? I bet that’s it! I knew marriage had at least one benefit! Regular sex!

Now if only I could remember more benefits, I just might be willing to try it again!

Seriously, let’s talk about sex. Is it surreal to be dating as an adult–as a mother or father no less–and dealing with the sex issue? Is it just me who finds it bizarre? I have to admit to being very old-fashioned, for lack of a better term, when it comes to sex. I do not have sex outside of marriage for religious reasons, and other types of activities are generally frowned upon as well, so I find myself taking up new and unique habits such as biting my fingernails and complusively scrubbing my floors.

Okay, so I’ve slipped here and there and have played the bunny, but truly I have not had sex in a very very verrrrrrrrrrrrry long (for me) time. It’s crazy because I also have the highest sex drive of anyone I’ve ever met. I wonder if, therefore, I just date in hopes of finding a reasonably decent man to marry so I can do that horizontal tango again. And if that is what I’m doing, how the heck is that going to affect the kids? Am I just going to say yes to the next virile-looking man with a tight butt, a truck and a diamond ring?

Hm. This has given me pause. Honestly, I can’t think of a single reason to get married other than for sex. Rut, did I enter?

I’d really like to hear some feedback here. What are reasons that you can see for a single woman with a decent job, pets, a home and small children to a) get married, b) stay single but date or c) stay single PERIOD.

And speaking of that last lovely word, I am going to take some pain medicine and go to bed. You girls know how I feel!

pms, period, sex, sex and dating, sex and marriage, dating with children, dating, celibacy, pain

I love the time I spend with my kids after school and on the weekends, but I also love bedtime! I don’t talk on the phone or spend time on the computer during that time. It is all about them! We have dinner (tonight thoughtfully made by my 9-year-old daughter) and discussed school and worked on homework. My 11-year-old son emptied the dishwasher, my 5-year old son picked up his Play Dough mess, and my daughters (8 and 9) cleaned off the table. I think they know when Mom is tired (read: PMS) and they take such good care of me.

Tonight a little bit of time was spent on the phone with the current squeeze who is certain we are destined to be married. He wants to come up this weekend, but I just have such a hard time with that since the kids are going to be here. Do I really want them to get more and more attached to him when I’m not sure where the relationship is heading?

Probably not! I said no!

I do tend to harp on the ‘keeping kids out of relationships’ thing, but I am not a “Do as I say and not as I do” kind of person. If your kids are like mine, they truly do miss having a man in the house and pretty much any man is preferable to no man. My older daughter, in particular, wants to have “a dad in the house” again. They tend to get very easily attached and have no concept of the adult issues of why things might not work out in a marriage. They also don’t have much of a concept of recreational or social dating, so they tend to look at those I date as future stepdad material and would be disappointed were they to get to know them and then have it end.

Tomorrow, I promise to harp on something else!

dating, parenting, dating with children, family

It’s amazing how that sounds like such a treat right now. Montana in the mountains after all, and I’m cold!

While it’s not my usual practice, perhaps I should get a babysitter and find a hot date after all!

In a former post, I may have mentioned that I live in a very remote area of Montana. The closest Wal Mart is about 65 miles away, the closest movie theater is about 60 miles, there are no stop lights here, winter is about nine months long, and my nearest neighbors are so far away that I can hang laundry out on a Saturday afternoon in my underwear.

The best part of it all is that my ex and the homewrecker are also 60 miles away. WOW did that save my sanity.

I moved here about 15 months ago to teach at a high school that is, to say the least, very small. Since then I have felt my sanity return, little by little, and peace envelop my home. My elementary-aged children (and my one preschooler) are all within one block of me and I see them several times a day. It’s as ideal as it can be, given the situation. They are not so far from their dad that their every other weekend with him has been interrupted.

From time to time, I feel the need to get farther still away from the ex, the bimbo, and everything I feel when I see them. It’s so very difficult for me to put the needs of the children to be near their dad above my own need to run away, but I do it.

I’m the Mom.

I’m tired. I take a son to basketball every morning at 6 a.m. I bathe the others at night, I cook, I clean, and I make sure the pets are taken care of. I care for them when they’re sick. I clean up puke. I change sheets. I feel the heat when there isn’t enough laundry done and they are out of pants, socks or underwear. I work and spend about 97% of my income on raising these guys, while “taking” about 19% of my ex’s income in child support. I hold family prayer at night. I make sure they get to church on Sundays. I’m exhausted.

I’m the Mom.

I date rarely, I don’t get my nails done, nor do I get pedicures. I don’t buy seafood ($$!!), I drive a boring sedan. I live in a small rental cabin in the woods with a junkyard on the back of the property which is what the view out my bedroom window is, but the $450 per month in rent can’t be beat. I feel guilty when I buy clothes for work, I don’t wear tights or pantyhose because I can’t afford to replace them when the dog or cat or a kid rips them. I don’t get my hair colored, permed, or straightened. I do the best with what I have.

I’m the Mom.

Am I complaining? Well, I’m the one my children come to with their problems. I’m the one they ask questions about sex, about friendships, and about math homework. I’m the one they cuddle with at night when they’re scared, and I’m the one who gets the Christmas gifts they make at school. I get to sit with them nearly every night at dinner, and I’m the one who gets to hang their artwork on my desk at work and who gets their refrigerator decorated by the creations they make at home. I’m the one they cuddle with on the couch every night and I’m the one who taught them to wrestle and how to apologize to each other when the wrestling gets out of hand. I taught the oldest one how to drive and how to mow the lawn. I taught them all how to do dishes and how to change their sheets.

I’m the Mom, and how I love it! So if it means living in this lovely, albeit remote place in the woods so the kids can have what they need, that is the way it’s going to be. If I never remarry, that’s okay. I will have raised these wonderful and sweet children in a wholesome environment and in a close family unit.

Doesn’t mean that on the weekends the children are away, the Mom can’t play, however.

parenting, mom, relocation, dating, dating with children, playing with children, effective parenting, remarriage, divorce, teaching

One of my more interesting boyfriends was a beautiful Italian man named “James”. We dated about 15 months ago. We had met online at true.com, a site to which I no longer subscribe. He sent me a charming email that showed a wonderful and smart sense of humor. I responded in kind. He sent me his phone number. I said that I don’t call men, but if he wanted my phone number he was welcome to ask for it. He did, so I did, and we wound up talking until about 4 a.m.

He had many ideas about the roles of women and children that I found very interesting. He was involved in real estate ventures and jewelry wholesaling and other business escapades that I would never have had the nerve to undertake. He was smart and came from a very interesting family. He oozed sex appeal.

We decided to meet the following evening at the mall since the phone conversation went so well. He needed to purchase some shirts for work, so off to Dillard’s we went. We were immediately smitten. We went to dinner, and then on a drive up to a remote “parking” spot. He is one of the best looking men I’ve dated to this day, and he had a confidence that I’ve never seen before in a man. In fact, it exceeded my own! That’s saying something!

Since I’m a true fan of the cliché (tall, dark and handsome) I got to thinking about James a wee bit more than I had intended. He called a lot and gave me jewelry and took me out for lovely dinners. He kissed amazingly well. You know–those kinds of kisses that make you feel like you’re going to turn into a little puddle of molten female? It was amazing!

Our exceptionally torrid affair lasted about a week and a half. I, of course, did not introduce him to my kids, but the last night I saw him, he came over after the kids were in bed and sleeping. I had let my youngest son lie in my bed and watch TV as I was hoping he would fall asleep and actually stay in bed if I let him have that extra special privilege. Of course that backfired on this Momma and the boy (three years old at the time) was not being the angelic little cherub of which he was capable.

Suddenly James had parenting tips galore. The word “tips” is a bit mild. They were more like parenting commands. Mind you, James had helped produce exactly one offspring, a daughter, and he had never lived with her beyond occasional visitation. That he would presume to tell me how to parent my children was a little bit more than I could take.

Okay, it was a lot more than I could take. James was never invited back, which is unfortunate because truly beautiful and buff men who are in the jewelry business are so very hard to come by.

Shallowness, thy name is Jill. But not when it comes to what is best for the babies.

dating, dating with children, true.com, sex appeal, affair, parenting, jewelry, real estate

I got asked out on a date to go hunting! I have never hunted before in my life, but as the single mom of 4 children, I was thinking it would be a good idea to get some cheap organic meat for my family. One elk would more than take us through the next year. When I mentioned this to “Ron”, he jumped right on it and offered to take me with him next week. He even said we could get my elk first, and that it was okay if we didn’t get his that day. He even promised to be good. I have to admit that I got a little chuckle out of that one, given the nature of other dates we’ve had!

What do you do with the kids while you’re hunting in the wee hours of the morning and you are supposed to be getting them ready for basketball practice/school/daycare? You let Ron figure it out. He is going to pick me up at 8:00 a.m. so I just don’t have to think about what to do with the kids! To those men who are diehard hunters who won’t hunt much past dawn, I say pffffft! Sometimes, for the kids, adaptations need to be made to the whole hunting process.

Especially when you’re hunting for the next “one”…

hunting, dating, family, dating with children

My oldest son, who is my ex’s favorite child, has been crying at night now for two weeks. It is due to his father getting married, like I said in a previous post, and I am at a loss as to what to do about it. The other kids aren’t upset (that they show, anyway) because they simply don’t have much of a relationship with their dad. They can’t ever remember a time when he was here for them (they were very young when he left). He lets his wife and her kids deal with them when the kids are there for visitation while he plays video games and does computer stuff with the oldest son.

With the close relationship my oldest son has with his dad has come great heartache. My son is experiencing our divorce all over again. While his dad was never going to come home, my son sees this as the final really not coming home again straw.

I wish I could talk to my ex about this and tell him how our boy is feeling, but of course I can’t. He assumes that I’m lying or exaggerating when I tell him how the things he does or does not do affect our kids. And in reality, they only spend every other weekend with him, so what can he really do about it even if I do tell him and even if he were to believe me?

I hope that everyone out there is Dating with Children Land reads what I’m trying to say. I hope that the non-custodial parents are being frank with their children about these major life-changes. I hope that we are all striving to be the types of parents who nurture our children’s sensitivities and who protect their little hearts. I love my children more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone, and it is so distressing when they hurt, because I feel their pain times infinity. As I lay with them while after tucking them in tonight, my heart broke that I couldn’t hang on to what they want most in their lives.

Sniff. I’m going to go give them another hug. Good night!

divorce, marriage after divorce, family